Living the big TWO-ONE

9.31am

2012-01-27T09:46:00.001+08:00

It's been a while since I last blogged. Why? Wasn't in the writing mode I guess. I have tons to say, but as you know, if I am not in the mood or don't have the feeling to write it out, it's useless. I'm not a perfectionist but when it comes to writing, I want every single word to be felt. To be full with emotions. Every sentence has a deeper meaning than what it looks like. I dream to inspire, to be an inspiration through my words. Because to me, words, is one of the most powerful thing on earth. It conveys how one feels; be it anger, sadness, or even joy. It conveys a hidden message, a story. It is more than what it is. And how it is used is the hardest part of all. To use it to express emotions is the hardest of all. If one writes just to write, but not with any feeling, then the words will be as lifeless and meaningless as it can be.

This blog post, I want to dedicate to two good friends of mine, Ashley and Jiawei.
It is hard going through what you are going through because it involves your emotions, your heart and soul. When you like someone so much to that point, it hurts even if it's just a small matter. But when you guys see each other, your faces glow. It glows with happiness, one that is hard to find. A rare kind, why? Because you're in love. This warm glow that radiates out of you, is the rarest of all. If you were to throw this gift away just because of some external issue, it is truly a waste. You've been through so much more than other couples have been through and may even form a stronger bond compared to them. Not all joy is good. You need sadness and hurt to build a relationship. All the pain you felt shows how much you love each other. If you felt nothing at all, if you can easily let go, then it means you don't even care. But, you two really do care. I see your sulking faces every single day. Why? Because You two felt too much pain that you don't think there's hope for anything anymore. All because all this while you felt the pain, you think it'll last forever. Nothing lasts forever.

I know both parties are pissed at each other at some point because of some specific reasons. It's normal though. No one is perfect, even if they always make the same mistakes. Love them for who they are, mistakes and all. To love is the greatest gift of all. But to be loved is the most rare gift one can get. Because for once, cupid thinks that you are worthy of being loved. So do cherish each other.

<3 you guys tons!

It's something new

2012-01-05T20:57:00.001+08:00

It's different. This feeling. So I'm just going to say it out loud. So, here it goes.

Have you ever felt like this? When school/university/college is starting after the long/short semester break, you can't wait to go back. But, when thinking about facing people there, you hesitate for a moment. It's not actually a bad thing. You go to your old friends instead of the new ones. Why? In facebook, you try to keep in touch? Connect awhile like normal times, but it feels awkward after stopping for so long. The problem is that the bond you built was just not strong enough. It's like building a bridge for 5 months then stopping for a 1 month rest. By the time you are supposed to get back to work, you hesitate. Thinking of the likelihood of something happening, you're too adjusted to the holiday mood, of being away from those people. It's like every time you start to build strong bonds, things paused. Maybe it's just trying to test if this friendship will actually last next time.

To me, this feeling is very different from last time. In secondary school, we used to be together for like 6 months, have a short break and then get back together. and this happened for 5 years straight. So I guessed that no one felt anything. But, in the end, our bond was stronger than ever. Even after a year of minimal interaction or contact with them, you still know them like the back of your hand (I don't know why I'm using this phrase even though I don't really know the back of my hand, but oh well, just following the crowd I guess?).

But one of the most amazing bonds I have were built in just 2 weeks. You know who you are. All the 69+48?+ some more people (sorry I forgotten our batch's number! I'm sooo sorrry!)It was really amazing. Those bonds still stay strong even till today, after 2 years plus. In my batch, we respected each other and treated each other equally. We never look down on another, we support, and most importantly, we loved and cared so much about each other that we feel that we are brothers and sisters from another mother/father.

Special post #2

2011-12-24T00:18:00.000+08:00

Ee Lin:
You're a die hard romantic. You're the same as me in the sense whereby we use our heart more than our brains sometimes. okay, not sometimes, most of the times. We're always thinking about the person we like. We're always worried about what we do and how it impacts that person. I learnt that I should make books and music the love of my life starting next year! Then maybe I'll have better grades. What do you think? xD

Adrian Chai:
Thank you so much for teaching me Accounts and Macro. I'm deeply indebted to you on that. Thank you so much!!!

Jin Yao Ge:
JINYAOGE! YOU'RE THE BEST! TETRIS GOD MAN! XD Thank you so much for entering my life. My life would have been soo different without you in it!

To the guys I did my internship with (Daryl, Wilson, Shamus, Teo, Legend):
It's great getting to know you guys! Thanks for teaching me how to bowl and play badminton! We had so much fun together that every time I pass by the office I MISS YOU GUYS! I hope everything goes well in your lives~

Ee Von:
You're like the second Alicia! OMG! Seriously! You're super sweet like her too. So nice! I never knew we would hitch off and get along that well. But you're one of a kind. Thanks for being in my life!

Ivy:
MANA LU???!?!? Yerrr~ So long didn't meet up! Angry dy! Cepat cari saya!

Ji Ching:
My other sister =) It's too bad we didn't keep in touch with each other. I wish we did. Missed the cray times we had together!

Karnan:
OMG! My Cal3 sitting partner! All our lame jokes! DAMN LAME MAN! I wonder what will people say if they listen to our lame jokes! It was really entertaining sitting beside you! Thanks for being my Cal3 entertainment!

Kelvin (my son):
MY ARTIFICIAL SON!

Lu Ee:
I WANT TO GO TO MALACCA! Be my tour guide k! Btw, my first impression on you was: "Wow. Cool! She's so nice and awesome! xD"

MIRABEL:
OMG! HOW CAN I FORGET YOU AND YOUR 'MEOW" ! XD Hard to describe our relationship lar! At first I freaked out listening to your pick up lines, but then when I got to know you. You're the greatest and funniest person ever! Love all your pick-up lines! Too bad I don't get a chance to use it! One day soon I hope~ I hope for the best for you. You're so special. Too bad no one can see that yet. I hope you're prince charming will come soon, not to rescue you, but to fill your life with happiness and love <3

Markie~:
You're the awesomest of the awesomes! Happy? xD at first when I knew you're from La Salle, I was like, is this guy for real? Same school as Panier. Seriously? Keep bragging about how awesome he is! And always posing for the camera! Damn thick his ego man xD Tak boleh tahan! But you're a really nice guy! The CNN of PKTR '10. Super funny with or without your other 2 (Fuad and Farhan). One good thing about you, is you care about everyone. Despite all the hectic schedule and all, you actually want to know the people around you. You care about not only one person, or one group of people, but eeveryone. Every single person there is there. That's your true 'spark' that I saw in you. I hope that that spark never fades.

TO BE CONTINUED?

It is almost the end of the year

2011-12-23T23:36:00.003+08:00

First of all, thanks to those who cared. LOVE YOU GUYS N GIRLS SOO MUCH!!!

A special blog post to my good friends:

Ashley:
You made my life full of rainbows. You're like my rainbow. I get angry and anxious when you are late (which you are always doing) like how I wait for a rainbow to appear aft it rains. When things go bad, you're the rainbow that makes me look forward to the end of those things. You are my strength, you made me believe in myself, become true to myself. Trust myself more.

Alicia:
You're like a sundae ice-cream with sherries on top and the sprinkles and all the other toppings. You made my life sweeter. More cherishable. You made life tolerable when it was at it's worse. We worked great together! Can't wait to work together again! xD And most of all, you're a really great friend. You're the sweetest of all the sweets. I wonder how we even clicked in the beginning, still wondering! We're from different places, different backgrounds, practically everything! But we are like sisters. Thanks for being in my life.

Aleeya:
I regretted not knowing you during the camp. You are like another me. My reflection. We are sooooooo similar in many ways. And weirdly enough, we both love bullying Nicholas xD Pity that guy! You showed me who I am. You made me realise that my past is there to make me stronger. You reminded me of the great times I had in my past. You were there to listen and to comfort me when I was down. I really cherish your existence in my life. Thank you.

Andreana:
You're the first person I knew in INTI. We're super different, don't talk to each other much but you have this sparkle in you. You're like a star. Your sparkle makes people's life different. Sometimes you are so fragile it seems that you are going to break anytime. you taught me that we don't need much taking to be good friends. We don't need to hang out everyday to be great friends. The bond we have is different in a way that we don't do all those good friends stuffs together. It's like maybe we're good friends in our past lives? No idea xD

Cheryl:
You are my bestfriend for ten years and counting. Though we didn't contact each other that much. I hope our friendship still lasts. We went through too much together. The good. The bad. And I'm so sorry about that post. I'm really sorry. If I want to talk about what you mean to me and so on, I think one post is not enough xD 10 years is a very long time!

Jason (a.k.a. Blockhead Peabrain)
I'll never forget that night we got attacked. I'm so sorry but grateful. Please get your brain check lar please. Go get some CT scan or something. You're my bro. My good friend. You are there to be the practical one. You pulled me back to earth when I think too much. Thanks brah! I wish you the best with NA. And another thing. You're one-of-a-kind there's no other word to describe you =)

Sean:
MY BRO! Thank you for everything. You're seriously like my bro. Always there for me. Supportive and everything. You're my pillar of support xD You help make my bad days good. Hard to describe lar, because one word describe everything; you're my bro.

Sharina:
You made me confident with how I look. You look awesome btw. You're beautiful the way you are. You're like a make up palette. You ahve a lot of different sides. The sad you. The happy you. The lonely you. You made me laugh and comfort me when I'm down. Thanks =)

Yu Xuan (a.k.a. Sean's 'short fuck' and mistress, Jason's 'ex')
Yooorrr.. Don't really know what to say leh. Errmmm.. We were Cal3 assignment partners, mistaken as twins, then mistaken as a couple. So many scandals. =.= Anyways, it's super fun to have you around to bully. And when you and Sean are around, I can't stop laughing or smiling. It's like you guys are two different chemicals but when you add it together you get laughing gas. Thank you for taking the time to even care about me too. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Jia Hao:
I'm so sorry about everything. All the dramas etc. I'm so sorry. I wish it hadn't happen. I wish none of it had happened at all. They just make you more sad. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I'm blunt with you. I'm sorry I was mad at you. I'm sorry for everything. I think I can just go on with the 'sorrys', but I really am. I still am. Sometimes, I wish I hadn't appear in your life so that it would be better for you. I'm sorry.

I don't want to be a 'kelefe' anymore!

2011-12-20T23:11:00.000+08:00

*'kelefe' is a term used by Cantonese to refer to side actors that are not important int he movie*

I don't want to be a kelefe anymore. Sometimes, you just want the person who is important to you to treat you just the same. Maybe cupid chose the wrong one. I know he chose the wrong one. Sigh. In the end, I'm just the kelefe in people's lives.

I screwed up lots of things. I feel sorry about it. Regret. Guilt. Everything. You name it.

How can you fall for someone who doesn't give a damn about you? Who treats you indifferently? Who treats you like you're worth nothing.

Maybe that's the truth? I am actually worth nothing at all. I'm just this useless person on earth that is taking up space and wasting energy.

I tried imagine a day without me in this world. And somehow, it seems a lot nicer. A world without me. Peaceful house. No one for my mum to get angry at. No need to spend that extra money on. Imagine how much my parents can save. I think they can even save up to half a million. Not knowing me, Jason won't get hit by the robbers. There is no need to waste energy helping me to move. Ashley won't need to spend her money going out. The school will have one less failure. My family will have one less failure.

Everyday, my mum says that I'm fat. I need to exercise. I do. I did. But it's not enough. I wonder why human beings eat even though they know they will be fat. Should I stop eating altogether then? Maybe then I'll be thin. Then you can stop nagging about me being fat. Every time I look in the mirror, I'm embarrassed to see the image in the mirror. I'm scared to see my reflection. I'm not pretty like other girls. My hair is frizzy and all messed up. My hips huge. My legs have cellulite. My hands have flab. I have scars everywhere. On my upper lip. But the most prominent is on my right leg. The two huge scars. Then the super large open pores on my face. And the chubby cheeks.

My best friends never contact me anymore. I call. I messaged. Nothing. I just heard from my mum that one of my best friend came back from Perth and is having her holidays in Miri now. It's okay if we don't meet up. But, can't you just tell me you're back? If I call you won't you answer the phone? And if you see a misscall won't you call me back? Or even sms me? Am I that insignificant? Maybe I am just that insignificant in your lives. Maybe i can just disappear just like that from your lives. I am that insignificant.

You asked me to do the interviews. I was so over the moon about it. I love this foundation. I would give anything I can to help. And yet, it ends up that I was replaced by my juniors. They're great people. I don't mind. But can't you just tell me? Notify me? Don't let me wait like an idiot? Maybe I'm just that insignificant. I just am.

The only thing I have left in my life that keeps me going is my toy cat. I hug it to sleep every night. A night without it might mean a sleepless night. Why? Isn't that childish? It is right? It has been there for me through all the tough times. At least, to it, I'll always be significant.

那些年 (All those years)

2011-11-30T11:16:00.001+08:00

Next time we'll all look back at all those years we've been through. Reminiscing the good and the bad.

Last night was one to remember. A keeper in the "Books of Memories". Me, Yu Xuan, Sean and Jason were goofing off at Sunway Pyramid while waiting for the movie to start. As usual, PICTURES!

Hey you! You robbed me at the wrong time!

2011-11-28T10:46:00.001+08:00

Oh My Freaking G**! It's like non-stop complaining about what time I go back home now. What the heck? I go back that late was for a good reason. It's not like I'm doing something wrong like sleeping around with random strangers. Ughhhh! I was out studying in case if you didn't notice?

Why couldn't I study alone? Erm... Well.. Let's see you all coop up in the room 24/7. How would you like that? But to you, it's like, "that's normal, that's what you do everyday in Miri what" FUCK THAT. FUCK THAT PITIFUL LIFE OF MINE! Did you know how much I resented everything I had there? Do you know how much I suffered there? Do you know that my only aim was to get as far away as possible from there? DID YOU KNOW I WANTED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU?

I'm not the best daughter. But I tried. Real hard. Great scores. Top student of the school. Good in co-curriculum. President of every club I join. No black record. Best in the class. Great attitude. Listen to what ever you say like a DOG. Never leave the house. Don't ask for anything unnecessary. Ask for permission like in advance like a month's time before I want to go out. What more can you ask from me?

I gave that retarded life up because throughout those years, my life was to please you. I'm done with it. I please no one now. I know that raising me up makes me owe everything and even my life to you. I do. I don't doubt that. But right now. Just leave me alone. Please. I'm enough frustrated by everything. I don't need you to add on to my huge burden.

I'm tired. I'm really tired now. I'm tired of listening to your nag. I know what life is about. I know what people are like. Don't say that I am without experience and that I should listen to you. The only reason I listen is because I respect you. Everything you say, I know, I had been through. It's just that you never see what I see. You never feel what I feel. I know exactly what you feel and what's coming next. It's so freaking predictable. Every single word. I don't need to hear an advice to know what to do. I know what I'm doing. I just need you to be there for me. To be my pillar of support, to listen to my complaints. That's all.

I know that you're only giving advises because you are worried. But bear this in mind, I am the decision maker in my life. Luck may turn sour. Things may go wrong but it's still my life. My choice. I won't regret. The thing I regret most was being your puppet. Being what you never became. I don't know why you keep wanting me to be what you can never be. Why can't you just let me be me? Why must you steer my life in a way that you can control it at all times like I'm a puppet?

I know you're going through a hard time, surgeries and all. People ask me to think about how you feel. I know. I know how you feel. But the problem is, I don't give a damn about that when you piss me off. Which mother actually says: "What's your rescue plan? What do you intend to do to make up for the lost marks etc?" when I'm on the verge of crying. I just want you to call and ask how I AM FEELING! MY FEELINGS MATTER DO YOU KNOW THAT? Oh yeah, you don't. Cause I'm just a freaking lifeless puppet that follows your every command right?

I want to be like others. When they're sad, the first people they go to are their parents. To talk about their feelings and stuffs. But me, I go to my toy cat. I hug it and cry everything out. I drain out all my emotions. I have no one else to go to because of how you're treating me. And if I tell you this in your face. You'll just deny stuffs and go find backups to prove that you're not wrong. Life isn't about that. It's about accepting the fact that you're wrong even to your daughter and try to change. Try to see things from my point of view. How hard is that when I can see from YOUR point of view? I can see things from other's point of views. I put myself in their shoes at all time and feel what they feel. I guess that's the greatest gift/ability I have, thanks to you. I know and understand characters better than people my age. I know things I don't because of all the hardships I went through.

How's life? It sucks.

2011-11-27T22:23:00.001+08:00

Been robbed on Friday night besides standing there like an idiot while Jason was beaten up. Was in a car accident (minor one) on Saturday afternoon. On Sunday, Sharina lost her phone. Great. And I just realized that my brand new BA II Plus Professional Calculator was in my bag that was snatched. Great. Just great.

It made me see who was really there for me. Who will be there for me. And who wants to be there for me. Thank you. Very much. You guys made me feel better. I am tough. I didn't cry. Didn't even have the feeling of being sad about that. Was just pissed off though. This is just soooo LOW!

Ughh.... Can't vent out my frustration this way. Maybe I'll just go vent it out by studying. Having my test in a week's time. Sad.

I don't like the person I'm looking at now.

2011-11-25T15:00:00.001+08:00

Changes can be good and can be bad. In your case, it's totally bad. You became this super low-self esteem person. You don't listen to any advice people give. You think that what you are doing now is 'MANLY' but it's not. It's stupid. It really is. You don't want to share your burden. You'll die holding on to that burden. Stop being so stubborn. But I know even if these words reach you, you'll just ignore it and be the same.

A real man shares his problems not to get solutions but to make people around him less worried. He does not keep things to himself. He asks if he does not know. He's not stubborn and listens to people's advice. It's not a sign of weakness, it's a learning process. If you can't do it or solve it by yourself then ask for help. Don't be drowning and let pride stop you from shouting for help. In the end the one who suffers the loss is you.

Pride and being a 'so-called-man' is totally different. Be humble. Be willing to ask. Learn. Pride is like a big road-block in your life. It stops you from getting to where you CAN go to. It limits your abilities. It worsens your character. They say with victory comes pride. But yours is pure bullshit. All men have prides. It's how they choose to acknowledge it that made them where and who they are now. In your situation, you're pulling yourself down. You have so much talent. So much capabilities. I am never wrong when it comes to these things. I can see all of these. But what's holding you back is your stubbornness. Your unwillingness to ask for help.

People around you may change, but that doesn't mean you have to 'die' just like that when it happens. Do you know that they are people worried about you too? I lost many people in my life before. Very important people. One thing I regretted was letting this haunt me. Please don't let this happen to you yourself. I lost my best friend the person I trust the most, cared the most, cherished the most. I couldn't let this pass, I held on to it till last few months. It has been 6 years now, the memories still fresh in my mind. I finally let go. I changed. She changed. We part ways. But the memories will forever be there.

Bad things happens when you over-think. BE simple. Live life and don't think too much. Holding on to what HAD happened is like holding on to a rotten banana. The longer you hold on to it, the worse things get. The more you try to revive it to be the way it is before, the worse things get. You can't fix it. Just let it be. Don't try to control everything. Things change. People change. What is important is that whether we can cope with it.

I remembered you saying to me that when I'm sad I should talk to someone about it. Find an old friend or get a new one. But I just want you to say "It's ok. Just cry. I'll lend you my shoulder. Everything will be better once you cry.'" I hate it when you make me feel like I'm not important in your life. You're my really good friend. But you treat me like nothing, I'm kind of used to it and don't expect much, but now you're complaining of people treating you the same way you treat me. I want to say "What goes around comes around", but I understand that feeling. I would never want anyone to feel that way at all because it sucked to the max.

Maybe it's God's way of telling you that you should change? But who am I to say that right? I see how much you hurt deep inside. I ask you, but you never want to tell because of the stupid 'MAN' thing. Your pride is really irritating now. It's making you a worse person than what you were. You were so nice and sweet and all last time. Now, you're just a rotten jerk who can only see things one way and thinks what you want to think. Too stubborn to even listen to advice. I hate the person you are now. I'm disgusted at what you became. I officially hate you. I really do. You selfish jerk.

The past

2011-11-22T11:03:00.001+08:00

"They say past is past. We need to move on to see the future. But how can we move on when our past is the only thing we ever wanted in the future."

The world's most beautiful thing is expectation. A glimpse of the future will ruin every hope and make you wait for that thing to happen. Or even hope for it not to happen by trying to avoid the future.

The most beautiful thing in life is you can create your own future. What you do today has an impact on the future. What you did today is a lesson learnt from the past. What you did today is solely your choice. Left or right? Right or wrong? No one can steer you throughout your entire life. You do things you want to do. No one can control you totally. What you think inside and what you say or act out are totally different things. The mind is the greatest force inside you. What you think decides what you do. What you think determines what you say. What you think stops you from doing things you don't or can't do.

The past is past. We need to move on to see the future. If all you ever wanted is the past. Then recreate the future. The past is the lesson learnt. Move on. Staying static at that position brings no good to you. You can't move on. Even though the words 'moving on' solely means being able to live past the past, it doesn't mean you can't hold on to those cherish-able memories. Hold on to it. It made you who you are today. But don't forget to hold on to those special memories happening right there in front of you eyes. Take a good look around you. There's plenty of memories to create.

I love life because of the people in it. They may come and go. But one thing's for sure. I'm always cherishing each and every one of them. Their presence in my life made me who I am today. They made the memories I hold on dearly and closely to my heart.

I want the future and the past. I'm greedy. I want it all. But. We all want only the good parts right? You can't feel happiness without feeling sadness. So let go. Let loose. Smile. Cry. Enjoy life. =)

Life's all about what you have and what you don't have

2011-11-21T20:37:00.001+08:00

Judging people. How people judge people without them actually knowing that. Are you doing that? Am I doing that? We all do. It's just a natural response. You compare people with yourself unknowingly. Maybe that girl in your class has a slimmer body than you. Maybe that guy in class can talk or socialize better than you. Maybe that girl has the nice long straight black silky hair like those in commercials and you have a head of frizzy brown hair that are just of shoulder length.

Then to those unfortunate people, you feel more superior to them because of what you HAVE and they DON'T. But if you have the same thing, you'll compare and see who has the most of it. Or worse still, compare whose is of better quality or has BRAND. Hermes, Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Prada. You name it. They have it. IS this how we value our life?

How about me? Don't I judge people too, like indirectly? DUH. If people are smarter than me, I get envious. I want to be better than them. But I know my limits. I know what is possible for me to achieve and what is not. But when I can't even achieve the possible score limit, I will be upset. It's feels like I have fallen down the hill more than I climb it. It puts me back at the original position. I don't want to be static there. I want to move on. I want to go forward, faster. I don't want to reach somewhere and just stay there. I can go the distance. I will continue striving. Continue moving on. I don't want to look back at all the things I left there in my past because I want to make them beautiful. All those memories. All those lovely times I have with every single one of you that have brought light into my life. Even the bad things that had happened, I want you to stay there. Be a memory. I don't need a reason to turn back anymore. I just want a reason to move forward.

I want to live my life to the fullest. But what does that actually means? I've read about it everywhere. "Carpe Diem" they say. Seize the day. Seize the opportunity. Finish everything today. However, if you just go through life rushing these so-called-important-stuffs, you miss the really-important-stuffs. You'll miss out on the sweetness of your friends (couples) sitting at a corner reading a book. You'll miss out on what people are laughing about, all those lame jokes that when you look back and think about it, it can still manage to put a smile on your face. All these things are important to me. People around me are important. For them, I'll put aside my calculus homework to join in and watch the tetris tournament. For them, I'll be who I am. I'm not scared to be who I am. To shed my layers of protection. Just for them. People I love, trust and cherish.

You don't know...

2011-11-07T12:16:00.002+08:00

I've been through too much. It's enough! Why can't all these dramas just STOP! You don't know what I had been through. You never saw the scars in my life. You never knew I was once so depressed that I wanted to kill myself, run away, everything (except for cutting myself). Apparently the idea of cutting myself is worse than killing myself I guess.

You don't know what hardships I had been through. You don't know what pain I had felt before. You don't know how people once treated me. You don't know how I was accused of things. You don't know how lonely I once felt. Even with millions of people around me, I still feel like the loneliest person alive. Stop judging me. Stop pretending that what you do is good. Stop everything.

I kind of hate it when people think they have a certain influence on you that they have a say in your life. I hate it. You make me hate you even more. Pretending to care for me when your ulterior motive is to make another person happy. Maybe in this world, I'm not that cherish-able. Not the memorable. Nothing at all. People only find me when they NEED me. And I hated that feeling. When they don't need you, they toss you aside like some kind of toy that they are tired of playing with.

Life's a mess now. A huge mess. I'm too depressed to study. I can't do anything. And I have two assignments to hand in this week, plus a test. Next week daddy will be coming over, which is a highlight, then after that another 3 more tests.

Looking at the photos on my wall makes me miss the past. Well, some part of it, the good parts mostly. The bad parts still hurt till today. You will never know what happened and how deep the scar is, whether or not the wound has healed itself or not. You'll never know.

I miss my sisters, I miss my dogs. Life isn't what it used to be anymore. For a short while here, I felt like the happiest person alive because I have so many great friends (they still are), BUT, one seem to bring everything down. Make everything sour. Make things worse.

It's my fault right? For being me? For showing affection to people I care when I'm happy? Maybe I shouldn't be happy then, right? So that I'll stop doing things that pisses you off. Right? Stop being myself so that others can be happy, right? Because being me myself is such a terrible thing to do, it makes people feel hurt. It's better that I alone feel all the hurt/pain rather than you right?

There's no point living. No one accepts me for who I am right. When it's "Take it or LEAVE IT" most people will take it THEN LEAVE IT. Which hurts even more.

I should stop writing before say anything worse/ that should not be said.

I am who I am

2011-11-06T22:13:00.001+08:00

I will change for no one. I am who I am. Take it or leave it. I'm sick of changing for anyone. I am the type of person who gets childish and/or physical when I am happy. I hug, poke, bully, anything, you name it. But it's just to show affection, only to people I'm close with. I am the kind of person who cherish every single one of my friends to the bottom of my heart. So, if I had done anything wrong to make them unhappy, I would be very sad too.

Mistakes

2011-11-03T23:24:00.003+08:00

In life, everything I seem to make are mistakes. Everything I do is wrong. From being good to people to making decisions. I make mistakes non-stop. Every single day. How can every single thing that I'm doing be a MISTAKE? How the heck would I know? All I know now is that I want to curl up on my bed and don't get up. I'm sick now. Half of me wants to get better, the other half wants to be worse. I don't know what I want. I seriously don't.

Everything is okay again.. I guess?

2011-10-31T23:21:00.002+08:00

Jason talked some sense into me. He's like the person I trust and I respect what he has to say. So, you can say that he managed to make me rethink everything. About maybe 50% is my fault. I made teddy emo in the first place which then makes me emo and the cycle continues. Doesn't seem logical but it's kind of true I have to admit that.

This morning, I was like a train running without railroad tracks to guide me. I just ignore everything around me and went in such a fast pace because I just don't want to listen to people's opinion about this. I don't give a damn about what good things people say about the person I am angry at. If I am angry, that's a big deal. If I am hurt and sad, that is worse. Because I built a wall so thick around my heart and myself that it's impossible to penetrate through. And it's harder to even hurt me. I think you get the point.

I realized something about myself a long time ago, but I never seem to understand why I behave in such a way. Well, now I finally have the answer. I act childish when I'm scared and insecure. So meaning that, if I'm acting childish around you, it might mean that I am scared of you (past, present and future, you name it) or insecure about certain things related to you. I got hurt by what happened in the past, too much that I can't stop having flashbacks of it.

Every time I look over at teddy and want to try to forgive. This image (flashback) of what happened in the past came up. Then, I'll just stop myself from forgetting and especially can't let bygones be bygones. You don't understand what I had been through in the past. So you can't understand why I can't let bygones be bygones. I'm still overcoming what happened 6 years ago. I still can't get over it totally until now. Seriously. That event scared me for life. So I'm really sorry if I did/ might do anything wrong because I can't let bygones be bygones.

I can't explain every single action of mine. But trust this one thing. I don't want to see you sad. I don't want to see anyone sad. Every time I see anyone sad, I'll be very sad too. Unless you did something that upsets me sooo much that I hate you for life and wishes all bad things for you (which is like a one in a million chance? but there is still a possibility that it might happen kay.) I want what's best for everyone.

SO SORRY TEDDY! I FORMALLY APOLOGIZE FOR THE 50% PART THAT I DID WRONG T_T

*BEAR HUG*

I give up.

2011-10-31T00:05:00.001+08:00

I'm a girl that thinks like a guy. But I can't stop acting like how a girl acts, think like how a girl thinks and have emotions like how a girl feels. To me, friendship is everything in the world after my family. So, I value every single one of my friends and cherish them. I will never try to hurt or make anyone feel left out. But apparently, that's not how things are going for me. "What goes around comes back around, eh?" Bullshit lar.

I don't wish for people to be grateful for my existence or even cherish my presence. I do not think that I am soo special that one should treat me like a princess, queen or whatsoever. I just wish not to be left out. Not to feel left out. I hate that feeling. Seriously. I hate being all alone. It seems that even when you're there in person, I'll still feel lonely as ever.

I remember the first time I saw you. I told myself,"This person is dangerous. Not worth being a friend." But I still became your friend in the end. And look where it got me to. A series of hurtful times. You made me feel insecure with who I am. Made me scared of being alone once again. You are not worth being my friend at all. You are not worth even a bit of my attention anymore. I give up. I seriously give up.

Once again..

2011-10-29T22:05:00.001+08:00

Once again I deactivated my facebook account. To me, it was a place where I find my old friends and ask them how are they and so on. But, now, it feels different. I'm scared of the thought of being abandon, being all alone in this world all over again (I had a lot of bad experiences k. Don't judge me!)

The one thing I hate the most in this world is being all alone. And apparently being on facebook makes me lonelier than I already am. It's ironic right? When the thing that's supposed to connect everyone to everyone is actually making me feel left out in this world. IT made me feel like I was not important. Well, I do what I always do. Running away.

I wish..

2011-10-29T15:13:00.001+08:00

I know girls always and usually wish that they are slimmer, prettier and all that stuff. This just show how insecure a girl is with what they have and who they are. Which explains a lot about me lately. I'm feeling insecure about my looks, my weight, everything! Sometimes, (like now) I think that people really do get judged by their looks. And those who have good looks are the one that are like the VIPs. Sorry to say that but, yeah, that's what I think. But I know there must be some balance in this world. No one can be that perfect. So yeah, I'm accepting all my flaws as it is. But no one can stop me from feeling bad though *super sad face*. So this is what the world is all about now. *emo face*

I don't give a damn anymore

2011-10-24T20:44:00.000+08:00

It's super freaking annoying. The fact that people around me are like, "How are you?" and when I tell them not fine, they'll just be.. ohhh.. ok.. I know it's curtesy and all but then look at this situation. The same guy asks another girl and she clearly says that she is OK. And yet, he gets soo worked up and worried about her. WHAT THE HECK?!

Another thing is, other people are obviously trying to show they are sick or purposely hurting themselves for attention and you actually fall for it? Hmmm.. seems reasonable to care right? BUT then you scolded me saying that she is sick, then how bout me? I've been having food poisoning for a few days and I didn't complain or even show anything. Do you give a damn about me? HECK NO. You just go.. Ohhhhh..

That's not the only thing. She asks you to go to college at 7 am on a holiday and you reluctantly agree, can't even say NO. But we all (the huge bunch of us) ask you to come over, you'll be like, I can't and all those other lame excuses that you say exist but actually does not exist at all. Either that or you'll be sooo super late. OR worse still, don't come at all. AND MAKE US WAIT.

I hate life at this moment now. It's kind of unfair.. But maybe because I'm of no importance to anyone at all, so that's what happens right.

Imbalances in life

2011-10-20T21:39:00.001+08:00

Lately life's not going as it should or had been. I'm different dy. Everything I do or objectify is different now. My aims. My goals. They are all different.

He says that I should enjoy life more. I shouldn't just look at books 24/7. I should relax.

Awkward Smile

2011-10-04T20:40:00.003+08:00

Have you ever wondered if anyone would really actually care about you? Are you a part of their life or just merely a decoration that they can do without? I feel like even if I disappear for a day, no one will ever notice. No one does. No one will. No one will ever notice. I am that insignificant.

These coming weeks including this week, I'm having my mid-terms. Tomorrow I'll be having my Public Speaking Midterms. And I'm just halfway through. =(

I'm tired dy. I'm fed up dy. I just wanna crawl into a corner and ball up like a small kid again. Even if I stay there for a week, no one will care.

Heartbroken once more

2011-09-26T22:09:00.000+08:00

I think today is officially the last day I'll ever see him. I was really excited, nervous and happy at first. But now, it feels crappy once more. What is wrong with me? Why am I feeling like this? I thought I had gotten over him dy. =( Apparently I didn't. I still do like him (as in have a crush on him). And the part that hurts isn't whether or not he feels the same way (not reallly lar). But it is the fact that he's leaving like forever. And there's like 0.0000000000001 chance of me seeing him again after this.

Who? Where? Why? How? What?

2011-09-26T00:26:00.000+08:00

I had been busy lately, mostly because of my tests last week. Then I went for the Arthur's Day and daddy was here and also Chiong's birthday celebration.

One word: BUSY! ughhh.... I'd been too playful too lately. Must start limiting myself again.

I'd been away from many people. Once I am busy, I'm always not there for people who needs me. But who needs me in anyway right? Talking crap again sorry. I take that all back.

CHAOTIC LIFE. Anyways, here's some pics:

Glass

2011-09-16T23:33:00.000+08:00

Life. I want to say I hate it. But I have no reasons to hate it. Everything is going perfectly fine. But, ... I feel so helpless, so lost. I can't help/ console people around me that are feeling sad/depressed. No one would want to listen to what I say anyways. I am of no importance to anyone. I'm just another person that enters and eventually leave their lives. And the worse part is, I don't leave a mark in their lives at all.

I don't know why I will even feel hurt by this or sad at this fact. I am not trying to make myself important to anyone. It should happen automatically. It should right? If it's the right person? So does that mean that everyone in my life now is WRONG? =( or am I the one with problems? Sigh.

I have tons of tests and assignments coming up. So, I'll be busy. Take care.

I didn't even managed to say goodbye

2011-09-13T21:02:00.001+08:00

Tiger (my 9-year-old dog) died today. Mummy messaged me early in the morning telling me that he fell into the drain and looks as if he's going to die soon. Then in the afternoon, she called me and told me that he had officially passed away. At first I thought it did not affect me that much, but I guess it did. I did not focus in class after that and couldn't study at all. I was off-track. I still can't managed to get my head/thoughts straight now. =( Maybe it's hurting deep down inside but I just don't acknowledge it. I don't know. Sigh.

Have you ever wanted to be someone else?

2011-09-02T10:05:00.001+08:00

Imagine a day when you are so down that you just want to run away from everything. Be someone else. But in my case, I want to run towards something. And that something is my goal, my dream, my aspiration.

1. I want to be a great philanthropist. One of the best in Malaysia if not the world. I want to give back to the community what they had given me. I want to show people the other side of the world that is full of 'achievable miracles'. I want to make everyone feel accepted and loved for who they are. Make them feel cherished in this world.

2. I want to finish all my professional exams and my degree with flying colors. And finally be a full-fledged actuarist, or as some people may call it; an actuarial scientist. Don't get why it is linked to the word 'science' though.

3. Lots more things I want to do, but can't think of at this moment besides those two.

St Arthur's Day Celebration at Ming Cafe last night!

My lil sis and me~ xD

The picture piggy has been bugging me for! That's the dress I'd been telling you about!

Random picture with my toy cat~ <3

Sulking cause the food was late and I was hungry like crazy (I was fasting that day! It was my 2nd day of fasting)

A picture I fail to upload into facebook~

I can never add this into facebook or not Ashley will be scolding me like crazy xD

Thanks for the ice-cream BENJI! (he's the green shirt guy sitting at the back)

Anyways, here are some pics to brighten up my too-wordy-blog !

Selamat Hari Raya

2011-08-30T09:30:00.003+08:00

I would like to wish everyone "Selamat Hari Raya"! It's another Malaysian holiday, but it's a meaningful one. It's the New Year for the Muslims.

I never realised how hard it is to find a school in Miri. SO OMG! I was looking for SMK Pujut (because it's where Ridhwan stays at) and it took up to an hour's search or more like a wild goose chase. Google MAP showed nothing! So I doubt the GPS system will help in any way (even if I have one).I guess Google MAP only works in West Malaysia and not East. Don't want to comment on why it happens.

I met up with Ivy, Tyng Kang and Siew Ping today besides Ridhwan. So it's a great day. I fulfilled my priority of what I must do before my holiday ends.

I'm one of the happiest & luckiest person in this world

2011-08-26T23:17:00.003+08:00

I'm really very lucky to have all my friends. They are great people. I'm lucky I don't have those fake friends. I had dealt with sooooo MUCH in the PAST; all the drama, all the backstabbing and loneliness. But here I am now, with more than a bunch of good friends that I love and cherish sooo much. Thank you GOD for giving me a chance to meet them and be a part of their lives.

I'm also lucky that my family is a normal one. Not that much drama. A whole family, healthy and all. There are arguments and quarrels at times, but it's all worth it. You are all worth the hassle and heated debates etc.

My love life is still in a non-existent state. Don't ask me why. Apparently guys I fall for don't actually fall for me? I'm not sure lar.. That's why I say don't ask me in the first place. But according to my housemate; Sharina, she said that no guys court me cause I'm like the 'friend' type of friend , meaning that I don't exert out any kind of those sexy/ girlfriend-like aura.

Frustrated

2011-08-22T18:23:00.002+08:00

I think this blog is mainly on what gets on my nerves and why I am really frustrated now.
1. NEVER BE LATE. I hate people being late. I totall cannot accept anyone being late, maybe except my parents, but that too I will be pissed off.

2. If I want to sleep and you're preventing me from sleeping for whatsoever excuses, be prepared to get scolded (even when I'm not having PMS). Sometimes, I'm nice enough to let you go.

Please never ever repeat any of the above stated things. I will have this grudge on you automatically, I don't know why, but the longer I keep it in, the more I am angry with you. None of my bestfriends ever do any of the above statements because they know me, they know how angry I will get.

3. Do not create a false image of me by saying I'm this or that when I'm clearly not like that all the time. I hate it a lot because the image I had made on my own will be destroyed just liek that because of your accusations.

4. Don't pretend to know me that well when you obviously don't. Some people I get along well, but it doesn't mean that you can judge me or whatsoever. Even my bestfriends never judge me.

Please never ever repeat any of the above stated things. I will have this grudge on you automatically, I don't know why, but the longer I keep it in, the more I am angry with you. None of my bestfriends ever do any of the above statements because they know me, they know how angry I will get.

It's 11.30pm

2011-08-21T23:30:00.002+08:00

It is soooo late and I'm still up. Guess what I'm doing. Well, I'm doing my internship report. I kept procastinating when I could have it done last week. I have class at 8 am tomorrow and I'm still not in bed yet. I am so going to regret this tomorrow.

So far life is great. Had dinner with Aleeya and Nicholas yesterday at Papa Johns. Forgotten to take pictures of the outing though. *sad face* Nicholas belanja makan. And it was my last day of fasting! I was kind of relieved because I doubted I could even manage to finish the 3-days. But it had certainly made my life more exciting in a way. And I salute every mother out there that wakes up early every morning to cook breakfast for their kids/family especially during the Ramadhan month. I woke up at 5 am to cook breakfast on the first day of fasting, and it was sooooooo taxing. All in all, the next time someone complains of not being able to work because they are fasting, I'll say in their face: "I fasted before, don't lie. I know how it feels. So stop complaining and WORK!" It wasn't tiring at all. All you feel is a bit hungry when it's midday, with your stomach grouching and all. It's kind of embarassing when people look at you with 'the look' when they hear it and you need to explain yourself. But that's the only downside.

Today is a Sunday, so of course I woke up late as usual. *grins* If I was back in Miri, mummy would have scolded / nag me like crazy. I didn't do any studying at all these few days. I'm hoping that I won't regret. I need to start reading news/books/ everything tomorrow again!

I'm missing CHERYL KHO CHIA YI! I don't get to see her online anymore =( I have a lot to tell her!

19th August, 2011

2011-08-19T22:58:00.002+08:00

It's just another typical Friday eh?

I was challenged to fast like the rest of the Muslims which is from about 6 am till 7.40pm daily for 3 days. Today is my second day doing so. And I'm still alive! WEEE~ Apparently the lesson learnt from this is self-control. My perseverance was as usual, at 'high speed' when I'm challenged. So I guess that's that. One more day to go~~

At first, I was sooo super sad because I heard that the guy I like likes another girl apparently. But who cares about that when I have such great friends with me =) I felt a lot better after skyping with Jaramier, Bosco and Ridhwan just now. I guess that sometimes, we really need to let go and just cherish whatever is in front of us. And I cherish each and everyone of my friends.

I came out with a kinda childish idea of opening up my own firm next time in Malaysia (most probably in Sarawak) that assists in risk calculating (and all those actuarial stuffs) and also merge it with engineering consultation for the oil and gas companies~ Crazy right? Which reminds me that I have a report that I need to write regarding my internship.

I'm going back to Miri in a week's time! And I have my PKTR reunion on FRIDAY~ So looking forward to it! Meanwhile, I ahve two other small reunions! I make it a priority to meet up with everyone before they leave. I haven't seen them for 2 years and who knows when will I ever see them anymore.

Thanks!

2011-08-14T21:10:00.002+08:00

I couldn't be grateful enough for such great friends that are always here for me even when I'm soooooo unpleasant. Especially Aleeya and Sharina. Thanks babes~ You guys try to cheer me up and listen to what I have to say.

If somethign was meant to happen, it will, I can do nothing about it. It will happen at the right time and right place. Not now, not yet. So I'll be waiting for that day to come. Whoever it might be. I'm waiting. Meanwhile, I found the right song for my current mood =) 'UGLY' by 2NE1

TRANSLATION:
[CL] I’m trying to smile brightly but I don’t like itI’m not pretty, I’m not beautifulOh oh oh oh x 2
[BOM] I’m trying to sing but No one is listening I’m not pretty, I’m not beautifulOh oh oh oh x 2
[DARA] Why am I this ugly What must I do for me to be able to smile brightly like you?
[MINJI] I’m getting angry again, why can’t I ever be perfectI simply put the blame on my ugly appearance in this broken mirror
[BOM] Don’t look at me, I hate this feeling right now I want to hide away somewhere, I want to escape This world is full of lies
[CL] I think I’m ugly And nobody wants to love me Just like her I wanna be pretty I wanna be prettyDon’t lie to my face tellin’ me I’m pretty
I think I’m ugly And nobody wants to love me Just like her I wanna be pretty I wanna be pretty Don’t lie to my face cuz I know I’m ugly
[MINJI] Don’t tell me that you can understand me so easily My ugly and crooked heart may even come to resent you
[BOM] Don’t force me to talk, I’m not right for you The cold thorns inside that patronizing gaze suffocate me
[MINJI] Don’t come closer, I don’t even want your concern I want to leave away to somewhere, I want to shout out This world is full of lies
[CL] I think I’m ugly And nobody wants to love me Just like her I wanna be pretty I wanna be pretty Don’t lie to my face tellin’ me I’m pretty
I think I’m uglyAnd nobody wants to love meJust like her I wanna be pretty I wanna be pretty Don’t lie to my face cuz I know I’m ugly
[DARA] All aloneI’m all alone x 2
There is no such thing as warmth There is no one by my side
All aloneI’m all alone x 2I’m always alone
There’s no such thing as warmthNext to my side, there’s not even anyone to embrace me
[CL] I think I’m ugly And nobody wants to love me Just like her I wanna be pretty I wanna be prety Don’t lie to my face tellin’ me I’m pretty
I think I’m ugly And nobody wants to love me Just like her I wanna be pretty I wanna be pretty Don’t lie to my face cuz I know I’m ugly

credits: GEE @ ygladies.com (via oneasiaa.wordpress.com)

My last day

2011-08-12T23:03:00.002+08:00

It totally sucks. The whole time I was being heartbroken. It's the last time I'll ever see him. As in FOREVER kind of EVER. I didn't confessed anything. Which is kind of a relief to me because.. I don't know. These kind of things always chase people away. And I'm scared to chase him away for once.

The entire time I was sitting there, my heart was breaking into pieces. I kept looking at my watch, doing my own countdown of how much time I have left with him as if it's the end of the world. It really hurts. But I can show nothing, NOTHING at all.

It's like an automatic pull to him. Yeah, I admit it here that I have a crush on him, but I don't think I will do so right in front of him. I don't want to lose him as a friend too because of this. I really don't know what to do. It seems really chance-less. Even if I admitted in his face that I have a crush on him, then what? He'll just run away cause he's scared/ freaked out by me. I'm weird and different from all the other girls out there.

The whole time when they were joking about girls I was sooooooooo sad............. And then we were talking about our past bf/gf etc. Sigh.. He doesn't have one.. Is that a good news or a bad one? Don't know what to say anymore. I feel like crying but no tears comes out. Sigh....

Goodbyes

2011-08-11T19:13:00.002+08:00

It is destined that when something starts, it's certainly going to end too. Goodbyes are harder to say because by then, you'll be attached to everything and everyone. Unless of course you do not enjoy that part of your life.

Tomorrow's the last day of my internship. It's been 3 weeks dy! SO FAST! Time fly by very fast when you enjoy yourself~ So I guess it's kind of true. because I really enjoyed myself. I enjoyed the work, I enjoyed the lunch time and tea break with the other trainees. It was a great experience.

I went to buy a cake for my colleagues just now. I'm really grateful for all their time and effort in trying to teach me everything they can. I'll be eternally grateful to them and also the other trainees that made me feel like a part of their lives.. Something like that lar.. I don't know how to explain any further. My explaining skills are terrible! Another thing I realised, my language is deteriorating or what ever you can use to explain a sudden drop of skill. Ughh.. I NEED to READ MORE!

=(

2011-08-10T17:00:00.002+08:00

I hate having curshes/ liking anyone! It always hurts so freaking much! I'm soooooooooooooo SAD NOW!!!

I will leave this place and never come back

2011-07-21T00:14:00.003+08:00

I'm not sure why I'm suddenly angry but I looked into my past and I found that actually there's a reason why I'm in this position now: My mum. I don't want to play the blame game but look at things this way :
1. If she had let me just choose any country I want to go further my study then I won't be stuck right here now, redoing all the foundation stuffs and wasting another 2 years.

2. If she had let go and even let me decide what career I want then I won't be suffering now from all those years that I wasted. She wants and only approves of what SHE WANTS and not what I want. She seems to have a knack in adjusting everything, making it like the best for me when it isn't. She even didn't let me take actuarial science at the beginning but finally gave in cos she can't waste my time any longer as in there's no way I can redo another year of stupid crappy foundation which I am currently doing now.

3. IT's sooooooo freaking hard for her to let go. She had to persuade me to stay for form 6 and she even wanted me to stay for my degree.

I know I can go on and on about this, but it's kind of the truth. I was held back in every single way. I could not show my utmost potential too thanks to the kind of thinking she inflicted in /has taught me. Although I have the utmost respect (sometimes) and I think I might understand why she does that. But in a way I feel really angry that this happens to me.

When I was young all I could do was obey her every orders, I can't do this, I can't go there, and so on.

I know it's not her fault. In life, the choice is all mine. And all these while, to please my mum, I lost 3 years of my life. I cheer myself up all the time saying that it's for the best, because she knows the best. But I don't want the best, I want what I actually want or love.

For the past year and a half that I spent for my form 6, I wake up and go to school every morning. And the most significant part of those mornings is the part where I'm sitting for about 5-10 minutes in the car either crying or persuading myself to go through it.

I cried the most at the beginning of 2010. I knew I wasn't going to get great results for STPM. I want to change. But once again I was not allowed. "It's the wrong thing to do, because it;s like giving up,"they say. I regret trusting them. Form 6 was a total hell for me. I was alienated, nobody find me unless they needed to use me in any way. Truthfully, I wanted to say my form 6 experience was good, but now (in a bad mood) I'm saying it's not. There's a darkside to everything about that. But at least I have my great teachers that taught me a lto of things. That's the only thing I will never regret. Meeting my teachers.

I keep wondering how it will be if I didn't go through it. Will I be less matured? All those don't matter to me. People are looking at me and thinking: "Since she's so smart, why didn't she get a scholarship? Why is she still here studying something that is equivalent to foundation? Her reasons are not legit at all. Why didn't she even enter a real universtiy? Why is she in a college? Why is she even here?"

I told myself before; "I will leave this place and never come back."

I'm so sorry.

2011-07-20T13:05:00.002+08:00

Once again, I managed to neglect/ was unable to see the consequences on others besides me. I'm so sorry Aleeya. I pulled you into this. I'm very grateful I have you by my side when I need you. Thank you so much. It's amazing how you can know me so well and vice versa. Maybe we were sisters in our past life?

I'm going back to Miri in a few days time. And I'm having my last paper tomorrow; Calculus 2.

I am very grateful I met a lot of great people that became my friends this year. There's the PKTR batch 2010, EeVon, Rachel, Melwyn, the INTIans, and also the Americans, especially Liz. Never in my life would I expect or even think I would ever meet so many nice people. It makes me so happy and push me to work harder towards my dream. I dream to help people who needs help. People who are uncapable of finding the strength to survive. People who could not go through a certain phase in their life.

I know it's not very practical to be doing like social work as my career because I'm the eldest. My family depend on me in the near future. But I'm going to work hard and incorporate elements of it into my work or even make my work the type that gives back to society. People might say why do that, maybe I'm some sort of money face or somethign that is not able to let go of everything like money. But please be realistic and logical, you want to help people out there but you want to leave your family in bad conditions? No food, no accomodation, no education? You want them to suffer? And you can even watch them suffer just like that? Bullshit.

I love my family very much and I would never want to make them suffer even an hour for me. I know in the past I did a lot of mistakes that made everyone angry, sad or hurt. I'm really sorry. I don't mean it. I really don't. I want my family to have the best I can give. I'm so sorry I use up the funds for my education. I'm really sorry. But I'm going to make this sacrifice worth it. I will. Just wait and see.

Monday

2011-07-18T16:39:00.002+08:00

Don't know why I feel like writting all of a sudden today. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm not sure.

I had my english test today and guess what! The writer has no IDEAS. My GOD.... I think this is the first time this kind of thing happened to me in a VERY long time. I was DISCOMBOBULATED XD (It's a new word I learned for the exams but I never used it). I sat there for 15 minutes or so trying to get a single idea. Damn crappy.

I have a good news though; I saw Kenny on the way home just a few minutes ago~ WEEE~ Was so super blur lar. Was thinking about this and that then Kenny was like:"Kim Fung?" And even then I only responded to my name. I see Kenny's face and was like... Wait.. I think I know this guy! LOL! Then an awkward hug~ which is a common thing in PKTR~ HAHAHAH!

Everyone's out celebrating and I'm at home blogging (going to study soon). I'm still waiting for HKU. I don't know how many times I ahve to say this, but it's the truth. Waiting is the worst thing ever. Take for example a girl waiting for a guy to confess and whatsoever lar.

Which brings me to the next issue: GUYS! That night I was lying on the bed trying to sleep when I kept thinking to myself, "Why didn't/ don't I have a BF?" And funnnily, I answered it very easily. The ans is :
1. I don't see a reason why I should put myself out there to be heartbroken and so on. Heartbreaks SUX to the MAX. Unless I find a person worth risking being heartbroken and going through all that drama etc.

2. I think it's highly over-rated. Having a BF is like nothing lar... It's like having another good-close-guy friend right? The only thing extra is you get to hold hands and what not. And what sux is you need to be totally attached (e.g. sms each other all day long, find each other everyday, etc) I don't think I'm that kind of person. I'll just kick him aside and go on with my life... =.= I don't know.. Who knows what might happen tomorrow right? But all that sounds freaking tiring. Thinking about it wears me out even more =.= Maybe I'll do that only when I get someone worth wasting/ spending all my time/energy/money on.

3. There is way too much to risk. Friendships. That is something I'll never gamble with. Like I said before, things might change if I met a guy really worth risking my friendships or whatsoever.

4. And I kind of wonder sometimes, if one confesses, then what next? What does that confession even means? Ughh... I'm becoming more and more realistic dy. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Less romantic and more realistic? Hmmmm.. But I know one thing I can never change about myself; I'm forever a dreamer and forever hopeful. =)

Hope

2011-07-15T13:14:00.003+08:00

Every time I think I have this slight chance/ hope of getting it. I don't. Why bother hoping right? But I'm a dreamer. That's what I do. I can't help hoping. I never stop hoping that all that will one day be true. I always believe that there's a slight chance for it to happen. Even after going through so much.

UPU didn't want me. No scholarships want me. I tried reflecting on what I did wrong or what I did not do. Maybe it's because I'm not the super SMART student that gets straight A's and I'm not the CCA-freak. Who am I to judge them. Even if I'm in their shoes, I might go for this kind of people because they have a higher success rate. Unlike me, who's just in the middle.

I have the passion. I have the love of life and everything around me. I care about everyone and everything. I want to help those who are not able to help themselves. I want to be an actuarist who works for the better. I want to create like a company/ sub-company under the government that creates premiums / insurance for the poor, so they won't be manipulated/monopolised by any individual/company in any way. I want them to know their rights.

Most importantly, I want to help people realise what is wrong with the community and how to help. I want to make them feel how this people truly feel so that there is a emotional connection established. I don't want just another 1-day CSR project which no one actually cares after that. I want people to connect to this unfortunate group, so that they will know how fortunate they are, cherish people/things around them more and TRY to help in any way possible.

I have seen a lot of groups helping out/ doing charities and so on. But they are only about events and activities related to that. But once they leave that, it's back to normal, there's no impact in their lives. They never once go back and check those people they once help to see whether the food/ money they sent/ collected were enough for them. They ONLY ASSUME that it was enough to sustain them for a certain period of time.

The truth is this group of unfortunate people need the skills, the knowledge and it is a long term process. It's not just dropping off food, shaking hands, taking pictures. Bullshit lar if that even has an impact in their lives. Most is they will feel even more dependent on others to survive. In the end, you are destroying them, not helping them. What you have to do is give them a skill to survive on. Like the idiomatic expression : "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime."

Sorry for all the complaining. But I can't help it. I'm sad now. I've just been turned down by UPU. Another rejection. Don't know how many more I can handle. I was kind of looking forward to it. But as usual. Everything is disappointing. My only one left is HKU, I pray for it. Even UPU that's not #1 in Asia rejected me, how can I have any hope that the #1 uni in Asia will take me right? I'll just keep hoping for the best. I know that God wants the best for me and all these are fated. I can't do anything more about it. I'll just have to accept any decision they make and hope for the best.

An unforgettable night

2011-07-11T23:45:00.003+08:00

Last night, I had the most undescribable NIGHT! One word can't describe it all, nor can a sentence. I want to keep this memory forever, so i'm displaying it here for the world to see~ So here's the story:

We had kind of a mini gathering to meet up before Farhan leaves. Those present was me, Nicholas, Mark, Fuad, Farhan and Lynne.

6.30pm, Nicholas was supposed to come to my place, but apparently he doesn't know where it was. And he almost got knocked by a white MYVI just in front of me. Damn scary!!!!!Still can't get that image out of my head.

7.00pm waited for the guys to come for abt half an hour. And when they came, Fuad was like.. I want to buy milk. I want go to Cold Storage to find my CHOCOLATE MILK . It was hillarious xD There was no Cold Storage at Sunway, so we had to go to Jusco instead. When we reached there, Fuad was like. This is important and all that xD FREAKING HILLARIOUS. Then he was like an aunty, looking at the milk aisle for so long while the rest of us stood at a corner and chat.

Abt 8pm, Fuad told us he can't eat bef 9pm.. then we're like "You buka puasa at 9pm is it?" xD And when Lynne came. Fuad kept asking Lynne to let her 'innner Britney Spears' out! LOL!

After Carl's Jr, we sat in Mark's car to get to Farhan's place. The guys were so FUNNY. They told Fuad that he don't need to hide and that he just had to close his eyes and mouth 'cause he's black. DAM HILLARIOUS! And Fuad kept wanting to eat. So we went to a mamak stall to 'tapau' food for him.

When we reached Farhan's house, we met both his parents. They're SOOO NICE! Anyways, Mark was doing his Statistics homework while the rest (other than me) were shisha-ing. Farhan made 'O's from the smoke! SO COOL LAR! Fuad and Nicholas tried but failed.

OK, the exciting part. 11.30 onwards. Farhan's driving + Lynne's screaming + Fuad and Farhan's bullying. I literally almost flew to the other side of the car if I hadn't wore my seatbelt. No other words to describe it all. It was kind of frightening but enjoyable at the same time.

Had like a hungover when I woke up this morning. It shows how great the night was. That's the conclusion of the day~ Thanks for making that an unforgettable night. =)

I'm finally happy

2011-06-26T20:53:00.002+08:00

I'm really grateful for everything. I met such nice people here in college. And I won't regret making this choice because of them. They do not alienate me, and I feel appreciated.
I can finally say that life is good when someone asks me how I am.

Harships can bring a person down, but it can also build a person's character.

Songs

2011-06-09T20:27:00.002+08:00

Songs are my life because they depicts what I really feel deep down inside. And each time I listen to one that reflects how I feel at that moment, I feel great. Why? It's beause someone else out there is feeling the same way, going through what I'm going, so in a way, I'm not alone in this world. =)

The expression of words is not needed when it comes to songs. It's the raw emotion that projects. It reminds me of how much I love to sing, love to write, love to run, love for everything I love. I feel loved. In a way, it sounds weird, but it's like I have a connection, someone out there is singing this song to the person they love, and I'm there to listen to it. The message is not in the words. You hear not with your ears, but your heart.

No matter how many times I listen to it, I can still feel the emotion there. It will never cahnge or fade away. It makes me love life more. I smile more. My mouth turns right side up to smile, but my eyes tear up from remembering all the happy moments and memories in my life. I'm so thankful for everything and everyone for making me who I am today. I'm forever indebted to everyone. Even the small things everyone does, I will remember. Why? Because I want to give back in a way or another. I'm this kind of person.

I try to remember everything about another person to make them feel special. To feel cherished, not everyone feels cherished or loved which makes them so gloomy and depressed. But if someone, anyone shows that they care, it makes their day. I know, because I was there before. But sadly, I had no one to do that to me. I have this songs to remind me though. They remind me of how others feel, how I don't want people to go through what sadness I went through. I hate going through that part of my life all alone. So I am always here for you all. I want to be like a piece of wax that is of no use to anyone but I burn myself to light up people's life. I would never want anything more.

I finally found the little girl in me. She's sitting in the middle of the street, looking at all the passerbys, trying to find someone. Or something that will love her as much. She did, a toy cat. She hugged it with all her might because she's scared to lose her one and only love. Something that does not mind being there all the time for her. Even then, she still wanders on the streets, looking for someone to take her home. To keep her safe. She's frighten, but she does not show it at all. She just hugs her cat tighter if aything happens. I asked her what my problem was, and one word was more than enough to sum up all the answers in the world: COMMITMENT.

I'm studying at INTI now, but I have always doubt my choice. Why? Commitment. I do not dare to commit myself to aything, because I'm still waiting for HKU. I'm praying day and night to go there. Every time I hear or see the word HK. I feel like crying. I can't help it. I feel really helpless. I can't do anythign about it. I can just wait. Wait for the time I will cry, out of happiness or sadness, I don't know. I jsut know I'm hanging in the middle now. I'm all messed up because I really want to go to HKU. I really do. But I cna't do anything till I get the actual result. Well I guess 'Under consideration' is better than being rejected right? I'm praying hard for it now.

What is wrong with me?

2011-06-01T17:11:00.002+08:00

Yeah I know.. Every single post lately is all about ME! But who cares.. IT IS the ONLY place where I'm allowed to talk all about myself whenever and however i want~ Don't read if you're so sick and tired of reading to my complaints etc. Think and judge all you want. I don't care~

I'm lost. I'm really lost. I always tell people, if you're lost. Just question yourself. You'll find out where you really are and why. But, I'm scared to ask myself anything anymore. I'm scared to know the answer. I'm scared to face the truth.

The truth hurts I guess. I know I'll face it sooner or later. But right now, at this moment, I have no courage to face it.

Everyday I put on a mask. A mask that hides my true self. Deep down inside I'm just a lost little girl sobbing in a corner holding her soft-toy.

I'm trying to be tough. Really I am. The reason is because I want to show to my little brothers and sisters that they can pass through a hard time. Nothing can push them down, nothing can stop them.

But now, I'm really tired. I can't do it. The little girl inside of me is lost. Nowhere to be found. I don't know what to do. Or rather I don't want to find her yet. Crazy right? I'm scared that when I finally found her, she'll be full of scars all over. And the gruesome image of my past will once again haunt me.

People tell me to just let go. Let go of the past. I've tried before. I still am trying. They are the reason for me to be who I am today. I'm grateful for that bit but I don't like thinking about it. All the pain I went through. I just want to keep it there, in the past. I don't want to see it anymore.

I don't know who I am anymore.

2011-05-31T20:28:00.003+08:00

"I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't even know what my real smile looks like."
-quoted from sixbillionsecrets.com-

Is my life full of lies? Lies I made to hide myself from the truth? To protect me from the truth? Why am I protecting myself?

Truth #1: I hate liking or falling for anyone. It jsut makes me self concious. I hate it. I hate the feeling. Every girl in this world wants to be loved. But not by anyone but by that someone special. But can you help falling for Mr. Wrong? No. Once you fall, die lar this time.. That's what I always say to myself. It's always the wrong guy, at the wrong time. And it always ends up as a one-sided thing. Normally I'll just confront that person, say how I truly feel. But this time. NO. I have too much at stake. I'll lose everything. I rather just surpress everything than letting it out.

Truth #2: I love to listen. I listen to what everyone talks about. I pay attention to the expressions, the body language and everything to get to know someone. But, I hate to talk. I hate interacting. I can just keep quiet the entire day and still survive. But now, I want to hear the voices of my close friends. I miss them. All of them. I want to see them and talk. AS much as I dislike talking, I never hated it whenever I talk to them. I totally love to interact with them. I won't keep quiet. I won't let my thoughts just sink in myself, I'll let it out. Because they are the people worth sharing my thoughts with. They cherish me. And most importantly~ They treat me like their sister and love me so unconditionally.

Truth #3: I always thought that this was the right decision. Coming here. Save $$$. But does it save my sanity? I chose Actuarial Science to challenge myself. To be challenged is an excitement to me. I don't know why. It just keeps my adrenaline pumping. But here, it's normal. Average. I'd basically learn most of those things in form 6. People say that if that's the case, then surely I can score and beat the rest. But. If you're saying that, you don't know me at all.

Truth #4: I hate it when people pretend to know my situation and apply it in my case. And whenever I deny it. You keep pushing it. I don't get it. Are you trying to help me? Or are you trying to prove that you're right? Not all cases are similar. But what's important and stands out is the UNDERSTANDING. Trying to understand and comprehend with my situation is all I need. I don't want any advice unless I ASKED FOR IT. Kapish?

Truth #5: You can say that I like to be EMO or what so ever lar.. I don't care. Did you know what I went through in life? If no, then butt off! I'd been through a lot in life k. Everytime I look at my eyes, they show all the sadness I've been through. All the crying. All the pain and suffering. You may think I'm exaggerating, but different people have different lives right, and mine is DIFFERENT FROM YOURS!

Truth #6 : I'm seriously used to be alone dy. It may seem weird for someone like me to have no friends here. Don't be shocked k. I've been all alone ever since the incident in form 2. The incident I'll never forget my whole life. In form 6 I was alienated too. So who cares. Being alone is something I'm used to dy.

Decisions

2011-05-30T14:43:00.002+08:00

One of the best decision I had made in my life is going for PKTR. Actually they chose me, which was somethign really unpredictable. PKTR and AYTR to me is more than just a alumni or a group. It's my family.

When I was in the upper form, I was always thinking to myself that I'll be lucky like the rest, I'll get a scholarship or a sponsorship because I'm that good. Well, luck was not really on my side at all. I face a huge amount of rejections. Rejections not only in the form of scholarships but also friends adn company. I was left out initialy, cos I was the teacher's favourite or cos I'm super smart (which I kind of doubt I am )

Well... the point is.. now I'm like so freaking fragile... No universities want me.. (Praying constantly for my dream university to accept me)

I want to cry. Why? Because I don't know what to do anymore. I made the RIGHT decision coming here.. But deep down inside my heart, it doesn't feel right at all. I don't know what to do..

The only thing that kept me sane all this while are them, my fellow PKTRians. Getting to see them, it makes all my sorrow gone. I put everything aside and listen to everything they say. Try to help them out as much as I can because I don't ever want anyone to ever EVER feel how I felt before. The constant rejections. The lonliness. Everything. Guess that's just the value of my life now I guess?

I know right.. This blog entry is freaking ridiculous and EMO.. But that's my life. That's what I'm facing. I'm not over exaggerating. I'm weird right? Well.. Judge all you want. I don't CARE ANYMORE!

credits to Aleeya for this

2011-04-25T21:10:00.002+08:00

MY PERSONALITY
When I'm happy, everything goes well. When I'm angry, be prepared for a thunderstorm, but most of the time i contain my anger because I know when I explode, everything around me might be destroyed. This include relationships, things and so on. When I'm sad, I would rather be left alone and keep quiet. My emotions are clearly displayed on my face. Even the blind knows how I feel. Mostly, when my 'battery is flat', I'll be quiet, down and 'emo'. I'm mostly bubbly, but maybe that's a mask i put on ? I don't really know too. But I do know, the more I smile, the less pain I feel. But when the pain is unbearable, I will not smile at all.

MY APPEARANCE
My hair and eye colour kind of changes according to my mood i guess? When I just wake up, my eyes and hair will be super black, but after a long time awake, it'll turn brownish. I have large pores on my face which is something I really want to get rid of. Why am I sharing that piece of information? =.= I will never know, but all I know is that it seems right to post that =) my insecurity! I have scars and birthmarks all over my body. I have one especially big birthmark on my thigh! and a small one near my chin. People say my eyes are beautiful, but whenever I look at them, all I can see is the sadness. My mouth/lips tells a different story though. Maybe because I make myself smile most of the time. I smile not only for myself but for the peopel around me. My heart crushes seeing them sad and worried. So I want to be less of a burden by smilling, pretending to be okay. Whenever I cry, my entire face turns red, and I love bundling up in a lot of clothes or blankets for the secure feeling.

RELATIONSHIPS
It is non-existent. I don't want to fall for anyone because it hurts so much. But too bad, I fell without even knowing. I still hope for the best at all times, and I hope for the best guys for my good friends. I don't like seeing them hurt, because I know how it feels and I feel helpless whenever this happens. I can do nothing for them. I'm really sorry.

FRIENDSHIPS
Hmmm.. My best friend Cheryl is busy with her own life. I'm not complaining lar~ We still chat =D and i still love her tons xD my other 'best friend' ditched me. or rather 'DUMPED' me. Maybe I'm not that good of a friend I guess? I didn't pick you up from the airport at 12 midnight, I don't stay near your house. I don't chat with you 24/7. I don't know? What did I do wrong? Why? Other than that.. I guess I have no other friends? classmates - yes. schoolmates - yes. Friends - none? Ivy and Wendy are quite good friends of mine in form 6, so they're not included in that list =D My fellow PKTRians and AYTRians are more like my brothers and sisters lar.. so not included in this list!

EXPERIENCES
My life experience? If you really listen to it, you'll be super emo for like a year? And you might began to symphatize me? I don't know. I just can say that, so far, I had a hard emotional year for 2010. 2009 was nice though~ PKTR~ XD

MUSIC
I listen to music according to my mood. But I love it~ It's like my oxygen~ I listen to music everyday~ =) I love singing to it too~ When listening to these cool ballads with like incredible female vocals , I will try my best to kind of immitate them too~ xD but mostly my singing is like bathroom singing lar..

TELEVISION
SPONGEBOB~ I know it's idiotic and so on. But I just love it. It tickles the funny bone in my body i guess? I love watching competitions or reality series that challenges my mind, makes me motivated. Teach me more of the world.

FAMILY LIFE
Terrible relationship with my parents. My dad is at KK and comes back once a month for a few days. My mum is super busy with her work all the time, sometimes she works over the weekends too. My sisters practically hate me? sometimes i guess, when i'm super unbearable.
No more explanation needed I guess?

SCHOOL
Lazy to discuss about the past ones, because the experience there is not really that wonderful. Hopefully this year is a starting of a great journey at Uni/ College =)

Life SUX to the MAX

2011-01-16T03:39:00.002+08:00

I need a hug from my piggy so badly.................. IT feels so torturing to live now........... My life turned into a nightmare...

Was scolded by my dad, had a super heated argument with my mum... and now.... heartbroken.......

2011 so far

2011-01-12T20:56:00.003+08:00

I seriously miss everyone. AS the years passes by, I get to see you guys less. I miss u ALL! My leng lui, my piggy, Fibi sa po, Chiong Chiong, Connie + many more.. Even though we now speak a different 'language', I'm still super glad I get to meet you guys! You all are a part of me. Those who had been there for me. Who had faith in me. Wish u were here.

Everyone's asking; "How's the interview?". And when I answered that it sucked to the max, most just think I'm joking or just say; "Nah, surely you did great, just that you didn't realise it!" S*** lar.. I know myself the best, so of course when I say it's bad: IT IS BAD! UNDERSTAND PEOPLE?!?!?

I sounded super arrogant, was super nervous.. EVEN FORGOTTEN TO MENTION THE MOST IMPORTANT THING : PKTR!How can I even miss that one out?! I was so embarrassed by myself my face was burning during the interview. I'm still sad, and crossed with myself. I guess what people say is bullshit;" When you do your best you won't regret!" S*** lar! I practiced day and night.. Asked for help from my uncle, teacher, mum and friend, think about this day and night.. But in the end, HOW DID THE PHRASE GO AGAIN? I REGRET TO THE MAX! I try to fix all my flaws before the interview.. memorise and read things I don't usually read (BUSINESS STUFFS) but I ended up crying my eyes out for 3 days straight........

The first thing I thought about after the interview is seeing my piggy and hug her and cry out all I want.. Because I know she'll understand. Too bad we did not meet up. Miss her tons..

My birthday party on last Thursday was a disaster! And the real day was 100 times worse......

TO ALL THE GUYS OUT THERE, LISTEN UP!
Girls think a lot because they really like you and you're not giving them any security at all! Girls had always been this way.. And always will! Live with it or go GAY!
Reasons:
1. When you like someone you keep thinking bout them right? That's what we do.
2. When we think about you guys, sometimes we worry too much. You'll do that too if your partner that usually messages you none stop suddenly doesn't find you at all.
3. IF we don't worry then there's a problem!

1st October 2010

2010-10-01T19:18:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, my dog, Kimmy gave birth to her first ever babies. IT was really exciting , here's the story:

30th September 2010,

I thought that it would be another normal boring day at school. Woke up at 4 something instead of 3am.I jump out of the bed and went to the washroom. Back in my room I opened up my books to do my revision. IT was raining while I was sleeping so it was quite cooling.

40 minutes later, I ironed my clothes and took my shower. After changing, I went downstairs.

I heard my sister rushing down and together with my mum they ran outside. "This must be it," I thought.The first baby was born. IT's cries woke acknowledged it's own presence to my sister and mother.

Later on, the whole house was busy preparing to help Kimmy with her delivery. When I reached Kimmy's cage, the second baby was delivered. And it was not breathing. The first one too. "Why? What happened?" I kept asking around. NO one answered. They just mumbled that it was too cold.

My mum keep trying to heat up the puppies by rubbing her hands on them. Kimmy could not save the first one. It died of cold. She kept licking it. And ended up eating it a while later (according to Siew Ping, people born in the year of the Tiger cannot see the puppies until their eyes are opened or not she'll eat them.)

The second one died of cold too. Then the third one came out. Luckily we assembled the light bulbs and a warmer place. It survived.

The fourth one came out behind the big green dustbin near the drain. It too died because it failed to breath. IT didn't even cry a bit. My mum keep trying to rescue it. But all her attempts were useless.

Then number 5 came beside my mum's car. It was when I was reversing out of the house compound. It was alive too.

I couldn't concentrate at school. I'm so curious of how the babies were. How they look like. How long were their tails. How cute they were. I wanted to listen to them crying. See them drink milk. See them turn around.

I came back. Mae was feeding them the milk every hour. They were so cute and I managed to take a few pictures of them.

One had it's tail broken. You can even see the bone. SO OMG! and pitiful. And that puppy was the first to 'go'. T______________T because it didn't want to eat.

1st October 2010

The other one (the last one) died also just a while ago. I can't stop crying. You may say; "why cry? you didn't even take care of it at all!" But I cry because I know how it feels . For Kimmy to lose all her babies. She keep looking around for them. She went into the house and searched everywhere. Her babies are gone. Every time i think about it or see it. I cry. It is a really terrible feeling to have. To lose all your children. (I don't have kids and was never pregnant but it doesn't mean that I would not understand how it feels like! UNDERSTAND!)

Listening to 그대네요 by sung si kyung and IU now. It kinda represents my mood overall. (not the lyrics. The feeling you get from listening to see them sing. ) there's hope, and yet, sadness..

I thought bout it just now. Why do all this things need to happen to me ;even though the real victim is kimmy, it's my blog, let me be selfish a bit and talk bout me =(

This whole year was not really a good year, a lot of things happened. Thigns that changed me, that made me weaker, that broke me down.

The list:

1. Daddy moving away. I know it's not his fault. Not anyone's fault. It's fated. Everything is fated to happen. But I was beginning to open up myself to someone finally. Since all my best friends moved away, I rarely get a chance to talk to them. They're all busy with their own lives, so I don't dare to bother them with my issues. AT my new school, there's no one to talk to , They don't understand me. And i don't want people to look at me with pity in their eyes. I talk to my dad and confide in him about almost everything. I never talk to my mum this way because she won't understand. No matter how hard she try to. I can see that she can't.

At first when my dad say he was leaving I thought it will be okay. That everything will be okay. But it's not. I got depressed. I cried every night. I had a depression period and can't study at all. My results went from bad to worse. I wanted to tell my mum, but I know this will only burden her even more. Because deep down inside, I know she feels worse than me. She was never apart from my dad before.

2. My mum.

I have a lot of issues with my mum. Lately it doubles almost every single day. She sees and hears only what she wants to. And thinks that everything she does is correct. The best. But for who? ME? or YOU? You don't give me options to choose from. You just push me into the car and start driving without telling me other options to go to a certain destination (LITERALLY).

She's always so busy. She spends most of her time at home doing her office work nowadays. The only time she remembers me is when I made a mess. She'll go around scolding me. But at least she pays attention to me. Right? Fong and Mae don't even get attention too. It's like if one of us are not at home. She won't even realise. I know she's working hard for our own sake. But, it's an irony though. That this made me turn bad. Instead of bringing good to me.

3. My sisters

I know I'm annoying. Bu I do that to get your attention. Do you think you'll even look at me or talk to me if I don't do that. Even a scolding towards me. I don't mind. AT home, no one talks to me. NO one answers me. They do not even care about me. Unless they need me. If they want something like a ride to somewhere, then they'll be sweet to me and talk to me. If not, they wont even do so. I'm not asking for anyone's pity, I might be over-exaggerating a bit, but it's really how I feel.

4. TO BE CONTINUED!

mum is driving me crazy

2010-04-05T19:56:00.002+08:00

the first post in dunno how many months and i start complaining bout my mum....... UGGGHGHGHGHHG! really angry lar.. she really talks without using her brain... most of the TIME! eventhough she's so highly educated.. wat graduate of england lar... useless oso if so highly educated but such simple rules oso dunno................. reli very veyr sianz lar... she's reli getting on my nerves....................... writting this out of anger.. so might regret later.... but reli lar... like wat my dad say.. she's so super stubbron... so everything we tell her is wrong if it's not her way... so if she wanna go langgar dinding we jus let her lar.. (literally) even a cow is not this stubborn man..... i know it's not right to complain bout someone who suffered 9 months carrying you in her womb.. but reli.. things is going out of hand.. wanna say as mental abuse.. oso.. like.. too over a BIT lar... really going crazy now....................... sorry for the speeling errors n no proper para.... bad mood now....

I wonder why n who in the world tat is so super educated tat doesnt think when they talk.. i dun think that person is evne considered highly educated.. i noe it's wrong to say this... but.. sometimes.. when people tell u u'r ewrong.. u shud reflect back on wat u did..... she... she NEVER DOES TAT! OR DID (watever tense it is ) no matter how many times u tell her... if she would really go back n reflect n for ONCE think n admit tat she is wrong... (sincerely.. not jus for the sake of anything else) scolding then saying sorry for scolding is a whoel diff thing from this k.. it's like u're apologising for ur actions not ur motives.... or so on lar.. u get my point................ really wanna talk to someone now n cry my heart out...

for those close with me.. u guys sure know i have lots of probs with her.. so this is not somehting new...

TOOK THIS FROM STEF~ XD

2009-10-22T19:53:00.002+08:00

Are you ready to spill your guts?
yup~
What did your last text say?
I go bck home loh~ rmb eat on time~ ;)
Has anyone told you that they don’t wanna ever lose you?
can't remember of any...
What’s wrong with you right now?
not reli in the mood to study T_T
Do you truly hate anyone?
hmmmm....
Has someone ever made you a promise & broke it?
guess so? nobody's perfect...
What are you listening to?
Y.O.U. by Shinee
What color shirt are you wearing?
white =)
Do you have a best friend?
definitely~
DO you open up to people easily?
not reli...
Has anyone upset you in the last week?
yup.. guess so? but can't remember though..
Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
the wall =.=
Is your room clean?
nope.. it's a mess...
Favourite color?
white?
Last person to comment you?
my mum.. indirectly.. got so mad.. bla bla bla.. (it's not like i can't stand criticism k...)
What color are your eyes?
Black (dark brown?)
Last person to text you last night?
simon
Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
yup =)
Do you blow dry your hair?
sometimes
Does it bother you when you text somebody and they take forever to respond?
a bit.. better take forever to respond then never at all...
How often do you straighten your hair?
not as often as i curl?
Was your New Years enjoyable?
it's normally the most dreadful time ever (w/o my extended family)
Is there someone who makes you smile when you get a message from them?
YUP =D
What’s the last thing you drank?
salt water...
Is your natural hair curly, straight or wavy ?
wavy?
Is tomorrow gonna be a good day?
hopefully...
Were you mad when you woke up this morning?
no =.= even if i am.. i can't remember.. basically i dont' care (will definitely forget) whether I'm angry or not..
Honestly, do you really love the last person you said i love you to?
my mum? no idea now.. we argue more often when we see each other............ even on the phone sometimes..
If your boyfriend or girlfriend smoked pot, would you care?
=.= this is definitely a stupid ques..
Are you close with your dad?
yup..
Is there someone that makes you happy everytime you see them?
PIGGY~~~~~~~~~~~~
Are you happier now? Or were you happier 4 months ago?
4 months ago when i cna sleep like a pig xD now i sleep like a watchdog... no time at all.. (less than 7 hours for me is like none at all xD so u get the point~)
Are you looking forward to anything?
leaving Miri
Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you.
my mum kissing my sis? =.= how will i react i guess? =.=
Who were you in a car with?
sis
Do you want kids?
yup..
Do you get nervous with public speaking?
yeah..
Ever been in a wedding?
guess so...
Do you have any plans for the day after tomorrow?
sleeping...
Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships?
if that person is 'the one' then i'll love him only....
Last person you had a phone conversation with?
dad?
Who was the last person to make you laugh really hard?
The cast of the star golden bell challenge xD
Are you a morning person or a night person?
neither..
Is there anything you should be worried about?
my piggy... =( she hasn't find me or reply me in years! (ok.. days lar.. maybe a week or more dy.. T_T)
Is smoking a turn off?
definitely
Why aren’t you dating the last person who you texted?
we're too far apart... we'll jus wait n see wat happens in 2 yrs time?
Is there someone who meant a lot to you at one point, who you don’t talk to now?
yeah...
DO you get drunk every weekend?
no =.=
Is there someone you just cant imagine your life without?
my sis?
Random number texts you at 4AM and says “come outside.” What do you do?
i won't wake up.. continue sleeping~
Has anyone laid on your bed besides you?
yeah.. it's so irritating.. my stupid sisters lar... they noe tat annoys me the most =.=
Do you believe that your first love can be your only love in life?
nope.. but this my be applicable for others...
Does anyone know every little detail about you?
nah..
Would you beat up anyone at the moment, if you absolutely had the chance?
nope.. i'm not tat violent.. n i won't want to hurt myself =.= siao meh...
Have you ever crawled through a window?
nope..
Think a lot before you fall asleep?
YUP~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ XD
DO you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
not sure..
Ever go camping?
yup xD
Do you know anyone named Hannah?
hannah montana =.=

Would you like the ability to read minds?
nope.. i can read minds as it is dy.. jus tat it is sometimes inaccurate... u cna read one's mind by seeing their facial expression, body movements etc..
Do you believe in ghosts?
a bit bit?
Do you have a thing for nerdy guys/girls?
if it's micky then YES xD
Have you ever intentionally made someone jealous?
all the time~
Have you kissed the third person on your top friends?
wat friends list?

Have you ever had feelings for them?
who wat how?
Are you excited for winter?
if there is one.. i'll be worried rather then excited...
Would you be able to tell someone you love them, even if you didn’t feel it?
why?

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
nope~ going to tell my piggy i love her though~ xD jus to disturb ehr n see her reaction~ xD i'm so evil~
Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
no =.=
I bet your favourite color is black?
maybe?
Would you ever consider adopting?
yup =)
How do you feel about girls smoking?
not such a good impression?
Reason behind the last time you laughed really hard?
cos it's reli funny? =.=
Is anyone else in the room with you?
nope~
Honestly, are things going the way you planned in your relationship?
i'm not in one now..
Think back five months ago, were you single?
yup...
Have you ever found it hard to get over someone?
yeah..
Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
why don't u ask 'him' =)
Now tag 6 person you wanna tag..
anyone who wants to do this~ XD

what's wrong with me?

2009-10-04T23:33:00.002+08:00

help? i'm lost... very lost...
i really mean it...
i dunno what to do anymore...
dunno which road i'm on anymore....
i'm really very very confused now......
think i'm going through a series of depression too....
ugh....

Am I that annoying?

2009-09-27T19:46:00.002+08:00

Sigh... I kept wondering whether I'm annoying or not today... Thus, I kept a distance from almost everyone (except for my family lar~ they won't mind .. i think xD) anyways... ugh........... skip the topic~~~ xD

CAKES~

2009-09-26T11:23:00.004+08:00

btw~ the puppy in the pic is my enw puppy~ and ehr name is KIM xD my sis was so pissed off at first when she heard that the puppy's name is kim~ cos tat's wat her frens usually call her =D

Hehe. . . Most of my friends miss the cakes i make~ YEAH~~~~~~~ WAHHAHA (sot dy~)

Wanna make more cakes~ but don't really have the time to do so now..sigh~~~

Chiong Chiong's b'day~

2009-09-25T21:43:00.004+08:00

These are some pics~ taken at home~ cam whoring xD HAHA i'm bit sot dy~
went to parkson~ and visited Bao Zhen at her work place~ which is lovely lace.. and see what i found~ they're so CUTE~~~ i want it T_T RELI CUTE LAR~ THEN I CAN HUG IT EVERYDAY~ WAHHAHAA xD

Here are the pizzas~~

Uncle Huong posing~ xD

Joyce taking pics~

Ant n Amelia :

Btw... we didn't have the spoons n forks at first~ pity us~ we need to wait till 8 pm for our dinner~

Me n the b'day gal~

Bao Zhen, Chiong chiong & ME~ (i look so horrible in this pic T_T)

Pity uncle Huong... see his soup... multi-flavoured (pepper, cheese, salt xD)

Bao Zhen~

Bao Zhen & Andy~

ME & Eric =)

SO OMG LAR! the cake is so small xD really unbelievable~

See the huge fire from Eric's lighter... COOL MAN XD

THE B'DAY GAL~

Super small cake~ xD

LOVE U LOVE U LOVE U~

2009-08-20T21:49:00.002+08:00

Feel like shouting " I LOVE U" ~~~ but I can't... too bad...... cos we're just merely friends and it might stay like this FOREVER... sigh....

Changing topic... had been arguing a lot with my mum lately.. ( not in a good way...almost like quarelling) sigh.... dunno y.. mostly my fault i guess... =(

been busy studying for exams the past week~ nothing much to say... jus tat i kinda dunno why.. feel tat certain ppl dun really like me at certain times... sigh... maybe i'm not tat likable... =(

wow... y did i put so many sad faces~ haihz.... reli got nothign to say =(

my holidays are starting soon... a day after tomorrow~ (lasting for a week), but the whole holiday... we're going to do the projects~ finish them~ etc~ and also homework.. notes.. study~ sigh~ busy busy busy

Replay~ replay replay~

2009-08-10T21:25:00.003+08:00

the whole time was occupied with playing games~ xD

sigh... ok here's my weekly news

29th : blood donation = unsuccessful.. halfway pumping the blood out and they stopped it T_T SO SAD! cos they say my plateletes reactions was too vigorous.... so can't take my blood... or not i'll injure myself and so on~ almost cried~ so sad...

Had my first MUET trial test (school exams) and got a low band 5 for speaking... it's good right? maybe not... need to practice more =) need to enhance my vocabulary~~~

Going to start my exams soon~~~ in like, less than a week T_T kinda worried... wait.. i'm reli worried.. not kinda only xD

Have tons of projects in hand now : PA project on 'pelancongan', MUET 'road accidents' scrapbook project, english drama~ singing competition~ WOW~ multitask~ and also BIOLOGY PLANT N INSECT PRESERVATION!!!

went for alice's birthday the other day =) had fun i guess =) so awkward~ miss all my old frens =( sigh.... and can't bully my leng lui or piggy~ not fun one... anyways~ here are some pics~~ (at the top of the page~)

missing everyone~

2009-07-22T19:28:00.002+08:00

I miss my leng lui cher, my piggy, fibi~, chiong chiong, lili, alicia, ji ching, yash, sakinah, fatin, fatimah, gary, ding ding, jojo, juju, suerin, jara, yin , .................. TOO MUCH TO SAY LAR! (sorry i didn't have the time to put everyone's name in)

Lately had been busy with homeworks, assignments, etc. trying to cope with everything and still keep in touch with everyone. . . sigh.. my mum keeps complain that i dun sweat = bad for health = i nid to exercise more etc. wonder how everyone else is doing..

sry for the super short update.. gtg finish my physical chemistry homework now =)

La la la~

2009-07-16T15:49:00.002+08:00

Loving form 6~~~ =D and the weekends too xD cos it can be kind of tiring and hectic. . I loook like a panda bear nowadays. . so if u see a panda bear around.. maybe that's me~ xD i'm sot dy~ sry. .

KINDA HAPPY~ cos mummy kinda approve of all of us going to KL~ WOOHOO~~~~ kinda only~ haven't book tickets yet~ cos daddy's company haven't confirm the annual dinner date. . =(

NEED TO EXERCISE MORE~~~ fat dy T_T luckily my close jie jie didn't scold~ xD but i oso nid to scold myself for putting on weight~~~ nothing much to say~~ BYE~ xD

p.s. i'm in a super random mood now... so please... tolerate~ xD

busy busy busy~

2009-07-10T15:27:00.002+08:00

Had been busy the whole month.. assignments~ projects~ tests~ u name it... i'm not complaining lar... i love all that. . but i'm kind of scared i can't handle everything =( Lately my confidence level kinda decrease more and more... I MISS ALL MY FRIENDS! i miss my leng lui, my piggy, alicia, gary, EVERYONE!

I really hope everyone's doing well..Sigh.. To tell teh truth, my friends are my strengths =) every time i feel really down, i'll think of you guys.. I just can't really thank God enough for letting me have you guys as my friends... I'll try my best to keep in contact with everyone.. Hopoefully i can go find each and everyone of you guys... =( esp my leng lui who is so far away~

BTW! i might be busy soon I guess? Big exam in another month or less & I still havent' finish my bug project T_T someone please donate a bug to me.. BIG ONE PLS... [just ignore me.. i'm just desperate to get bugs.. each group needs 25 types minimum, and so far i only got 2 T_T even after 1 month.. sigh... maybe bugs hate me xD ]

sigh.. I'm scared to let anyone's hopes down.. especially mine, my parents and my teachers... i felt so sad seeing how disappointed my teacher was when everyone's result was so bad... I should have get 100 % for such easy questions T_T and yet i didn't.. sigh... kinda blur last week till this week.. i guess i lack of sleep eh... not sure xD

had been at home like most of the time.. I REALLY WANNA GO OUT LAR! so super stress lar... and yet my mum's idea of de-stressing is watching my sis play softball & getting bitten by mosquitoes T_T that's stressing me out even mroe lar pls.. =.= can't even relax... want go out.. first thign she would lecture is bout money =.= it's not like i go out all the time......... everyday ask me super weird questions... wow... sounds like i'm listing all the factors that stresses me out xD

sigh.. it's late dy~ need to stop fooling roudn dy~
note to everyone : TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF =D miss all of my friends~

This time

2009-07-06T21:28:00.002+08:00

I'M CURRENTLY LOVING THIS SONG~ dunno why~ feel like so connected to it.. (u might think i'm crazy but i'm still sane k =.=)
I once promised myself that I will never love again
Grazing by of the parting memories
The trust that is now broken again
Upon pain and comfort I erased them

But ever since I first saw you
I began to get courage
When I rest against your shoulder,My mind becomes comfortable
I want to stay like this forever with you babe

Maybe it will be different this time my love
Maybe it’ll be okay to trust you
Do you now understand my mind that
Never wants the love you show towards me to change?

I love you babyAnd I need you babe
Without you the long period of loneliness will repeat itself
Please don’t ever change

My all, I’ll be the same

You don’t doubt me because you trust me right now
But I’m afraid of the times without you
When the night that’s been soaked in black passes
And the sun is shining in my windowsill
If you’re not there, I might cry again

Yes, I hope you don’t become a painful memory to me
Like the men that have grazed by me in the past
Please just hug me like this forever babe

Maybe it will be different this time my love
Maybe it’ll be okay to trust you
Do you now understand my mind that
Never wants the love you show towards me to change?

I love you baby
And I need you babe
Without you the long period of loneliness will repeat itself
Please don’t ever change

My all, I’ll be the same
You are the last hope left for me
The world without you will be like a terrible darkness
Please acknowledge my love towards you more
My love…

Maybe it will be different this time my love
Maybe it’ll be okay to trust you
Do you now understand my mind that
Never wants the love you show towards me to change?

I love you baby
And I need you babe
Without you the long period of loneliness will repeat itself
Please don’t ever change

My all, I’ll be the same

credits: coolsmurf on youtube

BTW! i'm so stressed out! ONE OF THE MAIN REASON IS MY MUM! ARGH!!! sianz... she keeps.................................................. argh... dun talk bout it anymore...

I'm not thinking straight. . .

2009-06-05T22:04:00.002+08:00

Someone save me please~ (Guess that's too much to ask from anyone.. so i'm just saying it literally~ )

Feel like total crap... don't know why. . . CRAP CRAP CRAP! SIANZ~~~~~~~~~~~ [p.s. this blog is for me to release tension lately.. so sorry for all the...... scoldings? xD]

Back to main point... I think I'm in love with 'THE ONE' .. Is this a dream? hopefully not. . Someone pinch me hard please~ not literally speaking anymore~ xD

okay.. that's not the main point... kind of blur lately... keep get pushed by mum to opt for this thing or another.. really.. confusing..

next thign is.. i'm really phobia to driving edy.. please don't ask me to drive.. i wanna cry lar.. everytime i get out of the car (right after i drive) i'll be shaking... so please...

if u're dead, then what bout me?

2009-06-04T17:09:00.002+08:00

Don't just simply say that you're dead k. . . No matter how much you wish you were, try thinking bout those beside you. . . Those who cares for you, all your friends (if not your family). . .

I really hate it. . . WHY CAN'T EVERYONE REALISE HOW MUCH THEIR HURTING ANOTHER?!?!?! ARE YOU GUYS BLIND?

The more you hurt us, the more we want to leave. . . Not leave you, but this world. . . IDIOTS!

Teacher's day at my new school =)

2009-05-29T11:53:00.003+08:00

As you guys all know, I have moved to a new school called S.M.K. Baru, Miri (the one near the hospital). The teacher's are great and everythign is going quite smoothly (I guess, cause I tend to be forgetful and also clumsy/ careless at times.. SOMETIMES ONLY!) Anyways, we had the teacher's day celebration today because for the last 2 weeks all the classes had exams (except for lower 6 =D).

Back to the main point, it was TOTALLY different from St Joseph's. Don't really get the concept. But I'm pretty sure the theme was : the olden days eg. 60's or the 70's. I was blur the entire time. No other comments to say too.

Anyways, nothing much to say except : HAPPY HOLIDAYS GUYS! =D

2009-05-24T19:33:00.002+08:00

Am I really still a small kid? A naïve little 9-year old? Maybe I’m just stupid. What do you think? Guess I’m talking to the wall again. Maybe I’m destined to be like this? Who knows, anything might happen. One minute you’re there another, you’re gone. Out of my life, forever.

This is just another random post from me. 100% related to how I feel now (7.37pm, 24 May 2009) I’m still not going to apologize for my last post. I still firmly agree with it.! SUPER SUPER SIANZ!

Feel like I’m talking to the wall everyday. . . It doesn’t reply me at all. . .=(

THE PRINCE IN THE CHILDHOOD STORIES SIMPLY DON'T EXIST!
It never did and it never will happen. . Never. . . no matter how much I want it to happen to me. . it never does. . and maybe in the future also. . (sigh.. not trying to curse myself here. . )
Others have their prince charming; someone to care about them in times when they need their loved ones, to take care of them all the time, to miss them, to cherish them and so on..
Just ignore my crap. . As I said before I'm talking to the wall. . a very speechless wall. .

When? when? when?? I feel like the idiot now. . WHY! siao one me... I'm just too emo now.. ignore me please~ Everyone is busy with their own respective life and I'm busy trying to be in their lives. . Why?

One thing that will break my heart the most is if anyone of you say u hate me. .

And I'll hate it if i'm bothering anyone at all. . I hate myself more and more everytime I do so. . Cos everyone's busy with heir life. . . why whould i bother them with mine?

Should just zip my mouth up and seal my heart.

男人很白痴！！！！！！！！

2009-05-21T14:38:00.004+08:00

I am so angry at myself. Sianz.. Guys are really idiots! I AGREE WITH GERMIN!

Reasons why guys are idiots :

1. When they see a pretty girl their brain short-circuited. The girl ask them die also can. SIAO ONE!

2. When want 'kao' pretty girls, they don't even think about themselves. Spend every single cent on the girl.

3. When guys are in love is like night without the moon or stars or even electricity. They go crazy over a girl. Really crazy. Not literally.

4. 3 basic 'desired stuffs' of a guy : Car, Money and Girl. With money they can buy car, with car they can chase girls. Stupid philosophy from me. but it's true.

5. GUYS DON'T CHERSIH THE GIRLS THEY HAVE AND CHASE FOR ANOTHER! STUPID RITE! either that or they jsu cherish them after they are gone.

ARGH~~~ SO ANGRY NOW~ (no offence guys.. some of this applies to some/ most of you)

Dance for 2

2009-05-20T22:00:00.004+08:00

I had been hooked up to the video of "dance for 2" by Pan Wei Bo just because it has Lee Da Hae inside =D She's so PRETTY! (*sigh* when will i be more like her? so girlish etc.. )

Anyways, the first paragraph was just to explain about my title. I really had no idea for a title nowadays. Just have ideas about its contents =)

Okay. The main thing I want to highlight about this week is : "I HATE DRIVING! I HAVE A PHOBIA FOR DRIVING!" Someone save me please. T_T That's just a brief description about my week so far. Classes were great =) Trying my best to cope with everything. However, I tend to enjoy my MUET classes more, this doesn't mean that the rest are not enjoyable, but I liek it the most. That's all.

OHMIGOSH! I just realised I haven't studied for tomorrow's chemistry quiz... T_T BYE!!!! SRY FOR THE SHORT POST! WILL UPDATE A.S.A.P (busy on weekdays~ might be free during the weekends though. )

ANYWAYS : LOVE YOU GUYS TONS =) miss each and everyone of you =(

Talking bout the past week~

2009-05-16T21:30:00.003+08:00

Piggy & FIBI

Piggy n me~

FIBI~ n me~

OK! First of all~ Let's talk bout my saturday. I went for the Miri International Jazz Festival with my second sis. DANCED LIKE MAD WITH PAGE~ WOOHOO~ miss Alicia, Juju, Jojo they all.. =( cos we used to dance together...

Inside the pavilion~

Chua Ngee n Fibi having lunch~(during our outing on tuesday.. the day after the registration and the day before my orientation)

See piggy showing her kor pics of her in NS

[miss my piggy T________T]

We left the both of them all alone~ We're just so nice xD

Okay. To cut things short :

Saturday : Went to Miri International Jazz Festival

Sunday : become ah sam at home clean house

Monday : Go school for registration of form 6

Tuesday : Had an outing with piggy, Fibi, Chua Ngee & piggy's kor at Parkson

Wednesday : First day of orientation. Talks talks and talks =)

Thursday: Last day of orientation. Almost the same with the first day.

Friday: Class starts! Teachers brief us on each subject.

Saturday (TODAY) : blur like siao lar... dunno y oso..

FYI : I'm super blur when writting this post. So I'm really sorry for the wrong arrangements of the pictures and also for such short description =( Really super blur now.. Don't ask me why, cos "I DON'T KNOW~" (DING DING STYLE~ XD)

Anyways, PKTR! I MISS U GUYS A LOT! I STILL DREAM BOUT U GUYS EVERY NIGHT! =( and when i see someone with almost the same haircut/ clothes/ body size with you guys or look kind of like you all. I almost wanna shout out : "HI! *yourname*" like what i usually do when i see all of you. Miss you guys a lot~ EVERYONE TAKE CARE N KEEP IN TOUCH K! =)

emo time~

2009-05-08T21:16:00.004+08:00

Listening to K.will's voice soothens my mind. Lately I ahd been beeing so depressed and worried i think that I might end up looking like a 85-year-old woman.

Had been worried sick about Rhey a lot. Won't elaborate on that. Thanks to him, I realised that, family is indeed a very important influence in life (good and bad influence). And I want to add another thing : PARENTS OUT THERE! DON'T ABUSE YOUR KIDS!!!!!!!!!!! @#@$!$%!$#%! HOW CAN U EVEN DARE TO HURT THEM OR SEE THEM SUFFER! FOR GOODNESS SAKE THEY ARE YOU'RE FLESH AND BLOOD! A part of you. Won't you feel the pain that they are feeling too? Every single time you hit us, there's a mark deep down inside which will never disappear. A scar, for eternity. And that scar affects our decisions and choices in the future. THIS IS THE MAIN REASON WHY THEY ARE SO MANY VANDALISME, MAT REMPIT ETC CASES! IT ALL STARTED FROM THE CORE! THE FAMILY! THE GUARDIANS! [sianz.. too emotional edy... change topic]

Guess most of you will know the reason I'm depressed. I feel so lonely without everyone. Everyday I'll look at the wall, and the wall back at me [this is just an illustration... erm... just saying it for fun xD] (BRB~~~ wanna go sing along with k.will first bef i continue on~ too emo edy xD)

(aft 10 mins or more~)
I'm BACK~ XD SO OMG LAR~ now hooked up to howl's LOVE U~~~~ woohoo~~~
talking bout "LOVE U"~~~~~ fine... everyone's in love.. i'm not~~~ same case as cher~ XD check her blog out to noe more =D [hmmm... better not~ ]

~~case closed~~

Back to the main point~ miss my cher leng lui. =(

(ARGH~~~~~~~~~ can't concentrate~~ keep wanting to sing along XD and it's night edy... =.= 9.42pm~ cham lor~ can't finish this blog.. HAHA~~ LOVE U~LOVE U~~*singing along*)

MISS ALICIA~

2009-05-08T10:42:00.003+08:00

OK! this will (might) be the last post from me bout pktr~ [p.s. ms. ALICIA keep asking me to update~tat's y i'm doing this XD ]

Anyways, just one general question to everyone in PKTR and all my other friends……….. “HOW COME I NEVER KNOW TAT I HAVE A WEIRD ENGLISH SLANG? “ (sigh…. No one ever told me that until I came back)

In this post, I want to tell everyone my great (a.k.a. unforgettable) memories in PKTR =)
1.The dancing part where we did in in pairs. Daren and I did the summersault. ADRENALINE RUSH! I didn’t do that for like a couple of years, who knew I still had it in me.
2.When we first step out of the bus and into the Palace of Golden Horses, everyone’s jaw dropped. The place was magnificent! So grand, lovely etc.
3. Eating cakes with Alicia, Jaramier, Tan, they all~ sigh.. miss all of them
4. sitting on the cruise ride at Putrajaya =)
5. staying at kg. lonek~
6. the 'espress-lawatan' with alicia XD
7. doing the dikir puteri~
8. learning a lot of dance moves.. including salsa, waltz etc XD miss dancing with everyone T_T
9. dancing at the hallway with Yash while waiting for the key to come =D
10. eating all the fabulous, delicious, mouth-watering kuihs~
11. BEING WITH ALL OF YOU GUYS! LOVE U ALL!

~*~THE END~*~

sigh... all bout pktr post #2

2009-04-29T14:25:00.001+08:00

Hey guys, sorry for the really really late update on my last topic about PKTR. Sigh. . I really can’t find a way to type it all down. Every time I see our pictures a tear would roll down my face. I don’t even dare to read your blogs. Still haven’t got over the post-pktr syndrome. Feel so lonely everyday without you guys.

Throughout the whole program, I learnt more about myself and others as well.

To cut things short, take a look at the list below:

The sweetheart(S) : Jaramier, STEF, Bai, ARRHARATNASARI~, Julin, Ji Ching, Yash, Fadhilah, Adila, Fatin, Nishan, Azrul, Saiful, Alicia, BOBO~, Sue Rin, Sakinah, Rahim, Hilda, Tracey, Hafiz

The always crazy one: DING DING & GARY & IKHWAN!(Yes! KORECK! XD)

The sensible one: Daren, Bai, Ridhwan, Tan,

The SUPER COOL ONE (in my opinion.. the one I look up to) : JULIN & JOJO~

The cute one~: Alya, Sakinah, Saiful

ROOMIES: Sakinah, Fatin, Fatimah, Ji Ching, Yashini, Julin, Anis, Sue Rin

GOOD FRIENDS: Ji Ching, Yashini, Sakinah, Tracey, Mojo jojo XD

Those who made me laugh like … (erm.. no idea what laughs a lot.. hyena?): Ikhwan Ding ding, Rahim, SIN TOUN~, Gary, HILDA!!!! (omg.. can’t stop laughing man.. on the last nite.. all thnx to HILDA! HAHA!), Azim , BOBO (when he first into himself)

The passionate one: PANIER SELVAM! (the first time I met him was when we were doing the name tag exchange thing… he talked bout everything full with passion.. I really respect him a.k.a. look up to him), RAHIM!!(when he’s reading his sajak~ so super cool lar!)

The pretty one: Ji Ching, Tarsha, Yashini, Jasmine, Julin, Alicia, Fatin, Adila, Candy, Tracey

Dance partners(waltz taught by the guys, salsa? taught by Tarsha, the seed dance taught by Asha, and the rest of the dances taught by the facis.. ok.. I basically danced with everyone! XD) : Bosco, Daren, (these guys teach me how to WALTZ~~ COOL RITE!) Alicia, Tarsha, Tracey, Julin, Yashini, Anis, VJ, Candy, Sin Toun, Ryner, Tan, MOJOJOJO~, Nishan, Sue Rin

The caring one : Tan, Ji Ching , Yash, Jojo, Juju, Alicia, Sakinah, Tarsha

~*~Sweet ones~*~ : May, Anis, Yin, Ding ding, VJ, Siti, Sin toun, Candy, Maryam, Panier, ASHA, Fatimah, Nisha, Hilda, Ikhwan, Ridhwan

Those rumoured to have scandals XD : ……………………………………..(to be filled in a.s.a.p.)

The calm one : Hanif, Jojo, Yin, Fadhilah, Hafiz, Azim, Bai, Adila, Azrul, Saiful, Fatin, Bobo

-TO BE CONTINUED-

PKTR '08

2009-04-22T20:18:00.002+08:00

This program is the best! It’s really a life changing experience. Let me elaborate more on that :

First of all, I got to meet many new friends. It is one of the best things that happened to me. I get to meet 48 high-achievers from all over the country. At first I was really intimidated by everyone because they are so good in everything. But in the end I get to know more about everyone else and that they are totally different from what they look like, as they say : “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover”. Especially in Alicia’s case, at first, she was really super quiet unless you talk to her. However, as time passes, I get to know her more (she’s totally different once you get to know her) and now we are BEST FRIENDS!

Besides that, it was the first time ever that I have ROOMIES! They are Ji Ching, Yashini, Fatimah, Sakinah, Fatin, Julin, Anis and Sue Rin (throughout the entire program). I’ll always remember Sakinah’s ‘alarm ringtone : SMACK THAT’! Ji Ching and Yashini ARE SO PRETTY! And they’re really ncie and sweet too. Fatimah loves TWILIGHT! Sakinah is SWEET~ Fatin is pretty, nice, kind, and gentle. Julin was not what I expected, she’s sweet, nice, caring etc. Sue Rin IS SUPER SWEET like May. The thing I’ll always remember when I became Sue Rin’s roomie was that we both screamed when I saw her late at night as she entered the room. HEART ATTACK MAN! HAHA!

Too many to say~ So that’s all for now. =)

BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!

2009-04-01T22:11:00.002+08:00

As you can all read from the title, the last few weeks had been really busy. I apologise for not updating my blog more often. I think I should really make a habit to write down what I do weekly. I’M REALLY SORRY!

Okay, first of all, I had the hospital visit which is compulsary for those who apply for the medicine course for the JPA scholarship. I met many new friends there. There were 14 of us altogether (on Friday). We were basically divided into 5 groups.
Group 1 : me, Ridhwan (my old primary school friend) and Elisa (from Marudi)
Group 2: Huzai (studied at Labuan, but currently at Brunei), Lee Sean (SO PRETTY! ESP HER EYES!), and Eric (he’s from Bitulu… so studious.. I mean in a good way lar.. )
Group 3: dun really remember… the other groups more ‘cham’.. cause I don’t even remember who’s with who..

All I remembered was, we were kind of separated into 2 groups; one the Chinese group (I’m not included, neither is Lee Sean) they are all from Chuang Hua I guess? Then the other group is ours~~ WOOHOO~ we’re multiracial~ there’s malay, kayan, and chinese~

The whole experience for the whole week was really fun =) but we got tired on the last day. . .( Who’s not exhausted from all that standing and walking?!? )

Overall, the nurses and doctors there are really friendly and nice. . . And we get to talk to patients. . .

Then after that, we all had our interview on the 31st of March. It was kind of a frightening experience but at least I’m still alive. . OK.. I admit that I didn’t do that well. . .
Reason # 1 : Quarreled with my mum the night before
Reason # 2 : BLANK AND BLURRY MIND! Can’t even think straight in the morning
Reason # 3 : *these are all excuses I make up just to make me feel better, but the first one is definitely true*

p.s. will update with pics a.s.a.p. (after I finish packing my stuffs to go for my KL trip)

Crappy day...

2009-03-20T21:35:00.001+08:00

Having nobody in your life can be suffocating. If there is no one at all to care about your needs or about you at all, then is life worth to be continued on? Most say ‘No’. It is all because no one would sacrifice even a little amount of time for these poor individuals. Nobody in this modern era wants to take care of others’ business which gives them no profits at all. That is why there is an increased in the number of suicides ad suicide attempts. These people do not have anything precious in their life; meaning the most precious thing everyone can live without is ‘LOVE’. Loving one and another can change one’s life. And this is the road to saving or helping people.
If at first you do not want to get involve with them, it is not only their lost, but also yours. “In what way?” you may ask. Well let me tell you this; in times of need, we always wish that there is someone there to support us, to listen to our complaints and most importantly to comfort us. So what’s the different between you and them? We’re all the same. We’re all God’s creation. We live on ‘love’. It’s our only point to live.

The most important thing about being loved is to love them back; as a child and its mother does and a mother to her child. If one lack of love from their own parents, they may think silly stuffs and may end up ending their lives because in their opinion,, no one cares for them. It’s all wrong. They do care about you. They really do. NO PARENTS IN THIS WORLD DON’T CARE BOUT THEIR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD! (okay.. maybe let’s exclude those who rape their own children or something like that) Back to the point, they do love you, just at a minimum level that even they do not realize. All they think about is working to earn money for you to spend, or scolding you for your own good in hopes that you will improve. But what do we, as the kids understand? Nothing. Nothing at all.

I really hate myself a lot. Even when I know that my parents do love me, and care for me. I have the decency to be angry at them for doing so. Why? WHY MUST I DO THIS? I’m such an idiot. I hurt them so much by not answering their questions. And I hurt them even more when I show them my angry face. Deep down inside them, it must really hurt. It must, because I can see the pain in your eyes and listen the pain in your voices. But why? WHY? WHY AM I ACTING THIS WAY? I’m the most understanding of all 3 sisters, the most matured, but even if I can understand them, what’s the use? I hurt them, deeper than anyone can think of, all cause I understand them more.

sigh..

2009-03-17T14:23:00.001+08:00

Okay, it has been 2 weeks since my last post. A lot of things happened in the past 2 weeks but I was too moody to blog about anything. (and I’m still moody now!) In the past 2 weeks, I went out with piggy and chuan gee, took my SPM results, cried, laugh, stressed out, felt pressurized, felt useless, felt crappy, and so on.

I admit that my results are not that bad, but I really expected myself to do better than that. I thought the worse I could do was get ONE 2A only. However, I had the shock of my life when I even got a 3B. Anyways, that day, my future seems dimmer than ever because it’s not as good as thousands others. Everyone was lecturing me NOT to be sad. Then let me ask all of you out there, how can you not be sad and disappointed when you don’t achieve your goal or dreams and even done worse than what you expected? It’s just rubbish that people throw at me. I don’t care, but what hurts me is that those PEOPLE are very close to me. I don’t want to hear YOUR POINT OF VIEW on the situation. I only wanted you to comfort me. THAT IS WHY I WENT TO YOU! I only appreciated what Cher, piggy and my parents did. They not only support me, try to cheer me up and put aside all their problems or unhappiness just for me. This is what they call GENUINE. Not the what-so-ever-crap-you-assume-is-the-medicine-to-my-pain.

Worse of all, I did not really care what others think when I’m in that situation. And the sadness continues to linger around. The only thing that made me forget about it for real is when I’m talking (chatting online) with Cheryl or Stef, worrying bout Rhey, and every time I looked at my new phone. (okay.. maybe this don’t make any sense.. but the phone was a gift from my mum even aft she knew my bad results.. and the price is 2 times the budget mummy set for me)

Feel like crap. I not only abandoned the welfare of Cher (ok.. tat sounds so wrong.. but you get my point right?) I got so busy with finding scholarships, applying for them and preparing myself for the camp (the last one is only done like.. just today.. so not counted =.=) And every now and then, the only way I know how she’s doing is by referring to her blog. It feels super crappy.. (sorry.. but I really do feel that way)at least I don’t feel like shyt.

Erm.. kind of busy now.. will complain more next time xD

Ah Mei jie jie's wedding (7th March)

2009-03-09T21:04:00.005+08:00

Me =.=

Fong Fong~

The 10-layer (fake) wedding cake(it's not edible~)

BORED~

The wedding dinner menu.

The speakers so nearby.. make my heart jump out when i first heard music out f it.. esp the super loud, kinda rock music. =.=

The screen was just bove our table. =.= Can't see anything, cos the other one is so far away and I forgotten my specs.

MUMMY~~

The happy couple cutting the cake =)

Our first dish~

Shark fin soup~~

The wine pouring cermony.

The newlyweds singing.

WOW! the girl can sing =.=

This grandma is also not bad.

LAST DISH~ (including deserts~)

Finally~ I got the view of the whole stage.. Cos was sitting beside it the whole time =.=

Not much to talk bout it. Anyways, was busy smsing Rhey the whole time =.= Nothing interesting.. Hmm... Except that I saw a guy that looks like my ex maple bf =.= REALLY LOOK ALIKE~ UNBELIEVABLE! xD

My day out with piggy and her kor~

2009-03-05T19:58:00.004+08:00

ME~~~!
Esprit Orange tangerine.. Steffie says tat it smells like listerine XD

INTRODUCING MY PIGGY~~ MISS STEPHANIE TANG!

My piggy hiding behind her lovely new bag XD

ME and stef's early lunch (abt 1 pm like that) while waiting for Louis to arrive

LUNCH~ at mcD's (LOUIS CHIA~)

My chicken burger =)

Piggy's beef burger~

Like brother, like sister. Both cover their face when i wanna take their pics =.=

Levin, Uncle Huong and Kelvin.

The brother and sister.

Piggy going into a computer shop with the guys~

The blouse and skirt I bought with piggy's advice~

OKAY~ SO here's the synopsis of my day out with my piggy and her kor:

At 12pm ++ me and Steffie met at Popular. We were both wearing purple and jeans! LOL! but i wore heels and sh didn't. Piggy is as cute as ever! Didn't change a bit.. maybe except for the softer hands, fairer skin, nicer hair and so many more T_______T

We went shopping at Parkson and I bought a blouse and skirt (jsut for interviews) which costs like RM 130++ altogether. Then, we went to Coffee Bean.We shared a blueberry cheesecake and the esprit orange tangerine drink.

After that, we went window shopping and I went to make some name stickers. That's when Louis arrived, without specs. Can't recognise him at all XD. Next, we walked to the elevator going down and we saw Uncle Huong, Levin and Kelvin. We went for lunch together at Mc Donald's.

After that, we walked around again. And went up to the cinema to catch the movie Pink Panther 2. It's not really nice though. And it's super embarrassing when u're the only one laughing at a part u think is funny =.= cause they're like only 6 of us inside the whole big cinema.

All in all, it was FUN~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

out-of-stock day~

2009-03-02T20:19:00.001+08:00

Yesterday, I planned to make cauliflower soup, chocolate pudding and chocolate chip muffins for dinner today. But I ended up doing none of them. I didn’t have carrots for the cauliflower soup, no skim milk around for the pudding and no vanilla essence for the muffins.

Sigh… I feel kind of sad all of the sudden. Rhey didn’t go online for more than a week edy. Really worried bout him. I asked Obama bout him (not Barrack Obama!) but he doesn’t know anything too. So I messaged him, and he’s super stressed out I guess. And he sounds super sad and angry at the same time.

In a nutshell, today is not my day. I ate a lot today (not even caring bout the carbs) and I did so little housework. Got complained by my mum again.

1st March~

2009-03-01T20:56:00.001+08:00

Sigh... February 2009 is over and it’s March now. So basically, February was not that nice at all. I didn’t get to spend V’s day with any of my friends and the interview at K.K. was horrible. But the good thing is Cher fell for a bloke! FINALLY~ XD SO SUPER HAPPY FOR HER! Stef on the other hand, fell SICK! Sob!

I’m still the same old me (I guess?) Just got involved and broke off in a week. How sick is that? Sigh. He wasn’t ‘The One’.

Life being at home is still like normal. Sleep, wake up, shower, do the laundry, watch television, online, eat, and so on. Only looking forward to go online at night or during noon. Not a big fan of the television. So, will read some books during the super extra free time. Luckily I bought a lot of books during my trip to Kuching. There are only 5 % of books in the bookshops here in Miri that interests me. Okay, maybe less than that too.

Popular is super HOT! I mean the hot as in warm. I think it’s because it’s currently going through some renovation processes, but the high temperature will spoil the books! BOOKS ARE VERY DELICATE OKAY!

Belle’s bookshop has a lot of nice books, but they do not really stock up with new and bigger varities of books. So basically, the 2 main bookshops in Miri (can be considered as the only bookshops that sells a larger varities of books) are not that good (in my opinion). I don’t really like spending my time there, unless I’m desperate.

P.S. I’m just commenting not criticizing!

Mae's 11th birthday

2009-02-24T14:56:00.003+08:00

Mae's b'day cake that costs me RM28.50

Daddy and his fav gal.

Little girl was in no mood that time.

She didn't look happy at all.

See~~ even the cake cutting process she need help =.=

Life in 2009

2009-02-24T14:41:00.000+08:00

Lately my life is on thin ice. It’s like the point of life where my fragile body might collapse and vanish with the soul it holds. Gone from the face of this earth, never to be seen or heard of anymore. I hate myself more and more as each day pass. I hate it. Every time I drive it’s as if I’m charmed or something. I’m always at a near-accident phase on the road. Every time it happens I hate myself even more. I hate it. I guess it is all my fault. I’m bitter and sad all thanks to me myself. My heart is stained black with all of these. Maybe God is telling me this is how the real world looks like. Maybe He wants to show me glimpse of cruelty, selfishness and the immorality of the world.

Does all of these things bring me a step closer to ‘adulthood’ or maturity?

Da Ai Concert (20/02/09)

2009-02-24T14:27:00.005+08:00

Books sold outside the ballroom.

Food utensils made out of recyclable items.

A banner placed outside the ballroom.

Posters.

The abnners are really nice =.= can't help taking pics of them xD

Free mags and forms placed outside.

The monthly Tzu Chi magazines.

Forms and mags.

Tzu Chi volunteers helping out.

The stage.

Tzu Chi members performing hand signals along with the song (sorry, i can't remember what's the song's name)

A clip of the Tzu Chi founder (if i'm not mistaken)

A song sung by a very famous Taiwanese singer.

The guy is really good!

The Da Ai Concert was to promote the Da Ai channel. The Da Ai television network was brought up by the Tzu Chi Organistaion. All in all, everything was really good.

K.K. Trip for the interview

2009-02-24T14:10:00.002+08:00

MY FAV~~

The xiao lung paos here are delicious!

Fried vegetarian dumplings that my mum ate.

ICE LONGAN~~ XD

The pics here are the food me and my mum ate during our trip to kk. The interview went horribly. But everything else there was nice. There were lots of cute monkey soft toys there too~~ but no $$$ to buy any T________T

CNY 09'

2009-02-24T08:56:00.006+08:00

ME AND ADRIAN XD

Our vegetarian breakfast. Even though it looks like meat, it's actuallly 'artificial meat' =.=

Everyone's eating~~

Fong Fong playing small kid's fireworks XD

Adrian's sitting on the swing~~ while playing fireworks.. early in the morning =.=

WAITING FOR EVERYONE TO COME~~

YAY! our first guest~~

SECOND GUESTS~~

Roberta jie jie and her new husband XD

Roberta jie jie and Brenda

Se ee and my daddy trying to make Yang Yang smile =D

YAY~ the house is packed edy~~

Everyone's trying to make Yang Yang smile~~

Some of the kors (from the left) Shawn, Ah Fook Chun Kuok and finally Roberta's hubby xD

Ah Fook kor kor and Shawn kor kor

Everyone's busy doing their own things~~

Yang Yang is still in a bad mood~~

Ah Foon jie jie's husband and father-in-law talking to daddy =)

Everything was wonderful and fun. So many things to eat, so many ang pus to get XD and we get to see each other and gather together.. talking etc. SO HAPPY~~ I HAD NOT BEEN BACK FOR 2 YEARS EDY~~

Chinese New Year Eve dinner 09'

2009-02-24T08:34:00.003+08:00

Mae, daddy, popo and mami~
Tai ee, Mae, daddy, popo and MAMI~~

This chicken tasted super nice man!

My dad,mum and smallest sis.

MY GRANDMA~~

Shark Fin soup.

Erm.. dunno what's this. Don't know how to describe it too.

Erm..the dinner was at a restaurant, for the first time ever. But at least we get to celebrate the CNYE dinner with my popo and tai ee^^ It started at 7.30pm.We left the restaurant early, bout 9 p.m.

My 18th B'day~ (11th Jan)

2009-02-24T08:01:00.004+08:00

Uncle Hung eating his pizza XD so funny lar him. Still need to pose first =.=

Wen and Bas

=.= Lionel took my pic when i was eating.. looks so... nothing to say =.=

Uncle Huong's gang~

Bas and Ant.

All the pictures were taken by Lionel! Not ME! So don't blame me for taking tese pictures. My camera was spoilt at that time so I can't take any pictures. Anyways, there were tons of SPOILERS for my birthday this time:

1. My Cheryl leng lui wasn't there to celebrate with me >__________<

2. Got a few people which I don't want to name keep ruining my day. I'm not going to elaborte how.

3. 1st time in my entire life there wasn't a birthday cake from my mum T____________T how sad was it..

4. The cake people bought for me tasted like crap.

5. When we were celebating at Pizza Hut the entire Parkson was still going through renovation, so there were plenty of dust around. It was very uncomfortable. And I can't believe we actually ate pizza with so many dust around.

XOXO

Fung

Award ceremony (11 Oct 08)

2008-10-19T10:34:00.004+08:00

From the left : Kai Sye, me, Bas, Chai Hong & Ame. Chia
From the left : Chai Hong, Kai Sye, me & Ame. Chia (ALL GALS XD)
Group PICS~~

From the left : me, Kai Sye, Ame Chia, Pak Yew, Bas, & Ant
From the left : me, Ant, Pak Yew, Bas, Chai Hong, Kai Sye, & Ame. Chia

Last week my school had this award ceremony, my parents went too (cos i promised them i'll let them go during my last year in school )

1. Ant got the Anugerah Guru (Pelajar Pelbagai Bakat - Multiple Intelligent)

2. Pak Yew got the Anugerah PIBG (Pelajar Terbaik Gerko Tingkatan 5)

3. Kai Sye got the Anugerah Alumni (Pelajar Terbaik Akademik Tingkatan 5)

4. ME~~~ I got the Anugerah Lembaga Pengurusan (Pelajar Terbaik Akademik Aliran Sains Tingkatan 5)

5. Chai Hong got the same award as mine , which is the Anugerah Lembaga Pengurusan (Pelajar Terbaik Akademik Aliran Sastera Tingkatan 5)

6. Amelia Chia (our k.p. a.k.a. ketua pengawas : perempuan) got the Anugerah Khas Pengetua

7. BAS GOT THE MOST =.=''' (he's the first to get 2 awards : Anugerah Khas Pengetua and Anugerah Yang Berhormat Datuk Patinggi Tan Sri Dr. George Chan Hong Nam) [Pelajar Terbaik Keseluruhan Tingakatan 5]

Chiong's B'day celebration at Pizza Hut

2008-10-03T21:04:00.003+08:00

ok.. sorry for the bad pics ><><) they were 20 people altogetehr to celebrate her b'day on that day.. everyone ended up watching la lingerie while me and my sis went for the movie : death race xD tat movie is DAM GOOD ~~ really good effects^^ and reli adrenaline pumping^^ my friends said tat la lingerie was dam ham, funny and SOT XD so going to catch it next time^^ besides tat, janice man is acting in tat movie xD so it's definitely in my 'must catch movies list'

Dinner~~

2008-05-26T18:29:00.002+08:00

Hooray^^ i succesfully cooked dinner~~ jus a simple lasagna =P and my sis drank some wine... none for me though.. not use to drinking it without company xD nid tons of people then got mood de^^

Jenny's b'day party!!

2008-04-21T15:42:00.005+08:00

Me, steffie~, cher~ and fi~ went for jenny's bday party at her house.. kinda boring though... nothign much to do except talking... chit chattign around lor =p the food was nice (her mum prepared it) it felt very homey lar.. kinda not my type =.='' [ok the pics are totally blur! blame it one shaky hands n lousy cam xD]

My first blog xD

2008-04-21T15:20:00.002+08:00

okok... i'm reli lazy at doing blogs... i practically have no tiem for this.. and yet i still make one (blog) xD so it's also my fault lar... do liao then empty not good de.. so must put somehting in^^ i'll try my best to update it as much as possible.. thnx for tuning in xD *i sot jor =p*