I don't want to be a 'kelefe' anymore!

*'kelefe' is a term used by Cantonese to refer to side actors that are not important int he movie*

I don't want to be a kelefe anymore. Sometimes, you just want the person who is important to you to treat you just the same. Maybe cupid chose the wrong one. I know he chose the wrong one. Sigh. In the end, I'm just the kelefe in people's lives.

I screwed up lots of things. I feel sorry about it. Regret. Guilt. Everything. You name it.

How can you fall for someone who doesn't give a damn about you? Who treats you indifferently? Who treats you like you're worth nothing.

Maybe that's the truth? I am actually worth nothing at all. I'm just this useless person on earth that is taking up space and wasting energy.

I tried imagine a day without me in this world. And somehow, it seems a lot nicer. A world without me. Peaceful house. No one for my mum to get angry at. No need to spend that extra money on. Imagine how much my parents can save. I think they can even save up to half a million. Not knowing me, Jason won't get hit by the robbers. There is no need to waste energy helping me to move. Ashley won't need to spend her money going out. The school will have one less failure. My family will have one less failure.

Everyday, my mum says that I'm fat. I need to exercise. I do. I did. But it's not enough. I wonder why human beings eat even though they know they will be fat. Should I stop eating altogether then? Maybe then I'll be thin. Then you can stop nagging about me being fat. Every time I look in the mirror, I'm embarrassed to see the image in the mirror. I'm scared to see my reflection. I'm not pretty like other girls. My hair is frizzy and all messed up. My hips  huge. My legs have cellulite. My hands have flab. I have scars everywhere. On my upper lip. But the most prominent is on my right leg. The two huge scars. Then the super large open pores on my face. And the chubby cheeks.

My best friends never contact me anymore. I call. I messaged. Nothing. I just heard from my mum that one of my best friend came back from Perth and is having her holidays in Miri now. It's okay if we don't meet up. But, can't you just tell me you're back? If I call you won't you answer the phone? And if you see a  misscall won't you call me back? Or even sms me? Am I that insignificant? Maybe I am just that insignificant in your lives. Maybe i can just disappear just like that from your lives. I am that insignificant.

You asked me to do the interviews. I was so over the moon about it. I love this foundation. I would give anything I can to help. And yet, it ends up that I was replaced by my juniors. They're great people. I don't mind. But can't you just tell me? Notify me? Don't let me wait like an idiot? Maybe I'm just that insignificant. I just am.

The only thing I have left in my life that keeps me going is my toy cat. I hug it to sleep every night. A night without it might mean a sleepless night. Why? Isn't that childish? It is right? It has been there for me through all the tough times. At least, to it, I'll always be significant.